


color me blue

by siechng



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Romance, jaehyun is a dick, taeil im so sorry sweetie, yuta is kind of an ass too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-06-05 07:50:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 42,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15166037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siechng/pseuds/siechng
Summary: when sicheng goes back to public school for the first time in years, he feels more than out of place. until he meets lee taeyong, who shows sicheng his purpose.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> \- mentions of mental illnesses and suicide.  
> \- some violence.  
> \- teen drinking and drugs.
> 
> please, if you're triggered by any of the tags mentioned, DO NOT READ THIS STORY. PLEASE BE SAFE. I LOVE YOU.

This first day of school cliche begins on my front doorstep, before the day has even truly begun. What they don’t tell you in books or movies is that the first day of school truly isn’t special. It’s the same for everyone. There genuinely is nothing utterly important about a student’s day back at school. It doesn’t matter who it is, where they’re from. 

I would say this applies to myself. Except this is the first time I’ll be back at public school since eighth grade. In a way, today’s my first day of high school.

Why Jinhyuck thought it was a good idea to put me back into school my senior year, I don’t know. Maybe, he wants to forget that the past four years never happened. Maybe, he thinks it will put a huge bandage over all that we’ve been through. Maybe, he just wants to see me happy again.

Cars stroll by back and forth while I watch. They blur past, almost as if they just leave with the calm breeze that blows through every so often. I look out at the sky, and there isn’t a bright, blue sky covered with small tufts of white clouds. I can’t even seem to find the sun anywhere up there. All I see is a giant pool of gray. The sight is a lot like how my mind has seemed to feel like for the past several years. Nothing really keeping it bright and alive, no beautiful canvas to paint upon. Just, nothing.

I turn around as the door opens behind me, Jinhyuck walking out as he puts on his jacket.

“Ready, kid?” he asks me as I begin to stand. He pats my back, gesturing to start walking and get into the car. I look at him, and something about the look on his face today looks like it’s finally come to life. His eyes are bright, he’s smiling—genuinely smiling.

“I guess.” We enter the car, which feels like I haven’t sat in since forever. Just seeing natural light today felt so different. Everything about today is just different.

“You’ll be okay. Yuta and Taeil will have your back,” he explains as he pulls out of the driveway. Yuta. Taeil. It feels like I haven’t heard or said those names in a lifetime. 

“Hopefully.”

Every building we drive by passes by in a blur like the cars I watch on the porch. I try to remember the last time I stepped in them, or even stood in front of them. Something about the universe today feels so brand new, I can’t seem to remember how things were before everything happened.

I look for the school after we pass each traffic light. However, this car ride seems to drag on and on, never seeming to end. The strong pounding in my chest and uneasy feeling in my stomach only makes the experience worse.

“You’ll be okay. You’ll be okay,” he repeats, almost as if he’s trying to comfort himself rather than I. He turns the corner, and the building is there, standing tall as if it were looking down on me. My timid, puny being. The idea of stepping inside—allowing this monster to seemingly eat me whole—terrifies me even more. I feel the pit of my stomach go ballistic, my head becoming light.

I seem to be frozen when he parks the car. I bring myself back into reality when Jinhyuck grabs my hand, holding it tight. I look over at him, and his face is somber, but hopeful. I hate seeing him sometimes, especially when he looks like he’s hurting again.

“You be good, okay?” he tells me as he squeezes tighter onto my hand. I nod with a small grin. 

“Got it.”

He pulls my head towards his, leaving a kiss on my forehead. I feel like crying when he holds me. I remember the last time he held me like this, and my heart aches a little. “I love you, son.” 

_ Son _ . God, how I hate that word.

“Love you too.”

He smiles, but it’s small, and I can tell it’s not genuine. Although he knows how much I need this—being here in public school again—it’s tearing him apart. He doesn’t want to lose me, and if I’m gone for even the slightest amount of time, he could spiral somehow. I don’t want him to. But he knows this is what I want.

I reluctantly open the door, stepping out into the cool air. The sound of busses unloading kids and the students chatting with their friends makes the whole situation even more real.

I begin to walk inside, several students walking beside me as well. I suddenly feel my lungs completely collapse, my breathing seeming to stop completely. I don’t know where to go, and I don’t know how I’m going to get to classes on time. I’m stuck here, right in the middle of all the chaos that is this first day of school. As I move along with the crowd of people, I pray to whatever God is up there to give me some help. I pray for Yuta. Or Taeil. If they even remember me.

I look around, and nothing has seemed to change. I feel as if I’m in a loophole of time. The students make their ways down the long hallway, talking to one another about their summers or their plans for the year up and coming. I want to engage in some of the conversations I hear, but I can’t. 

I decide to turn left into another fork of hallways with classrooms in them. There aren’t many people in this hall, so I take the moment to breathe. I look around, taking note of my surroundings. This is the middle hall—C wing. I check the schedule folded in the breast pocket of my t-shirt, and I notice I have fourth period here. 

But I also figure out my first hour is at the furthest end of the school.

I make my way to my destination, exchanging my glance from the ground ahead of me, back to the sheet of paper I hold in my hands. For a moment, I check my phone, only to see a message from Yuta.

**_Hey man! Meet me at the front entrance before lunch, and I’ll show you around :)_ **

It’s the first time Yuta has messaged me since several days ago. As I think about seeing not only him, but several other people I used to go to school with, those people I was friends with but just seemed to shut out for the past four years. I don’t know what I would say to them, or what they would say to me. Some may be interested in what I have to say. Others, not so much. No matter what, the idea worries me.

**_Okay :) thanks!_ **

I find the designated hall where this class is supposed to be. I look at each number plastered on the doors, trying to find the one I must enter.  _ 109 _ .

Each classroom number gets bigger and bigger. I make my way to the other side of the hall, only to figure out that the classroom is right at the dead end of the corridor. The door is wide open. I dread walking inside, having to face all the people here I either remembered, didn’t remember, or are just complete strangers.

* * *

Class goes by rather quickly, despite my anxiousness which seemingly has caused my heart to race so fast that it just completely gave out. I don’t take note of how slowly I’m breathing until my shoulders are shaken by the hands of none other than Yuta.

“Sicheng, buddy!” he exclaims. I realize in this moment that he’s already hugged me tight, and probably spoken a million other words. I slowly smile, looking at his face. It’s a refreshing sight—his bright, beautiful eyes shimmered like the sun. His hair that effortlessly moved along with his motions. I suddenly remember the feeling of having Yuta around, and just how replenishing it was to my heart.

“Hey,” I say calmly, mainly out of tire. I always thought I was so lifeless next to Yuta, who always seemed to be jumping around with joy. “I missed you.”

“Missed you more, big guy. How have you been? How’s Big J?” Yuta rambles as he wraps his arm around my shoulders, leading us down to the cafeteria. I contemplate on whether I should tell him the truth, or lie. 

“We’re okay.” The truth. “And you gotta stop calling him Big J.”

Yuta gives me a certain look. First, he rolls his eyes, then he glares at me as if what I’m saying isn’t entirely true. But it is. We’re fine. We have a roof over our heads, we get our meals in enough to keep us functioning. We’re okay. 

“Alright. I miss you guys, though. Let’s hang out today, sound good? You join me and Taeil for our after school treat,” he says. “Speak of the devil.”

I don’t get a chance to answer him though, because I’m bombarded by greetings from the boys at the table Yuta had led us to. The first voice I can recognize is Taeil, of course, and I can’t help but burst into smiles when he hugs me.

“Boy, I missed you!” Taeil exclaims. He pats my back as he makes room for me to sit in between him and another guy I don’t really recognize. I move over more towards Taeil, just to give this stranger next to me some more space. Yuta sits on the opposite side of the table, glaring straight into my eyes.

I look around the circular table, looking at each of the faces I see. I recognize two out of the several that are seated around here. 

“You remember Jaehyun and Mark,” Taeil says as he reaches towards Jaehyun, shoving him in the arm. Seeing them makes me feel like I’m in my preteens again. I wasn’t absolutely close with the two, but we had been good friends—good enough friends to say hi, at least. 

“Yeah,” I say shyly. I feel extremely uncomfortable, thanks to how quiet everyone sitting around the table has become. For a moment, I felt warm and fuzzy inside, but now I’m just back to that neverending fit of anxiousness. My heart pounds, my head goes dizzy, my breaths get cut short every time I inhale. I want to leave. I don’t want all eyes on me. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal, I’m just me. I’m just Sicheng. Lonely, awkward Sicheng.

* * *

I continue to feel like typical Lonely and Awkward Sicheng when I’m in Yuta’s car with him along with Taeil. I’m sitting in the back, while Taeil has the passenger’s seat. Yuta quickly pulls out of the parking lot and onto the streets while Taeil hooks up his phone to the speaker.

He starts playing a song by The Neighbourhood. It has a calm, relaxing tone to it, which seems to calm me down at once. Outside the window are several other cars, zooming past out of excitement to get home. I don’t blame them. All I really feel like doing right now is laying in my bed, listening to music, and maybe just drawing out whatever sketches my jumbled mind could come up with.

“Sicheng,” Yuta whines, grabbing my attention. “You like milkshakes?”

I furrow my eyebrows for a moment. “Yeah, why?”

Yuta turns the corner and eventually pulls into the parking lot of a McDonalds. “You’ve missed out on our tradition. We always get milkshakes, every single Monday.” 

For a moment, I want to reply sarcastically. But I know how Yuta feels when I talk back to him, and he doesn’t feel great about it. Taeil turns around in the passenger seat, and gives me a certain look. He rolls his eyes, and we both smile.

Yuta orders us three vanilla milkshakes once it’s his turn. My stomach actually begins to grumble at the thought of the drink.

Taeil lets out a sigh. “So, how have things been?” he asks. I can tell already the question is directed towards me, not Yuta.

“Good. Things are good. How about you guys?”

Taeil and Yuta exchange looks. I shift uneasily in my seat. 

“Yuta and Lia are back together.” Taeil looks at me and purses his lips. Yuta glares over at him before pulling up to the drive-through window. He passes Taeil and I our milkshakes before he takes a long sip from his own.

“We never actually broke up, you know,” Yuta explains. “She just wanted to take a break.”

I can see Taeil rolling his eyes. I chuckle to myself. 

“Well, I’m happy for you both,” I comment. There’s a long pause before anyone else starts talking again. I know that the both of them are wondering how I really am doing. They want to know if I’ve left the house at all this entire summer. They want to know when was the last time I saw real sunlight. They just want to know if I’m genuinely okay.

Eventually, Yuta pulls into the driveway of his house. As I see the outside of his dwelling, I genuinely can’t remember the last time I had been here. Probably almost a year ago for our combined birthday party. It has been a tradition of ours ever since we were in elementary school to have our birthday parties on the same day, for there was only one day between our birthdays. 

I’m the last one out of the car. Yuta opens the front door, leading us inside and straight to his bedroom.

I feel out of place here. I haven’t stepped inside Yuta’s navy-blue-walled room in what feels like centuries. I feel the familiar feeling of envy, however. Yuta was always wealthy. His father owned a car dealership, so his family never has to worry about when their water will stop running or their phones will stop delivering messages. 

Taeil sits down on the mini-sofa in the opposite corner of the room from where the door is. Yuta spreads himself out on his bed, and I stay standing. I feel like Lonely and Awkward Sicheng again.

Silence engulfs the three of us. Yuta scrolls on his phone, probably looking through Instagram or Twitter. Taeil works on finishing his milkshake, scooping every last bit of the whipped cream with his straw. He notices me standing, not saying a word, just staring at the ground. He motions for me to come and sit with him.

He wraps an arm around my shoulders. I smile. It feels like I haven’t been touched like this—like I’m truly cared for—in too long. 

“I miss you.”

I give him a sorry look. I don’t have to explain myself for Taeil to understand. He knows. Everything. 

“You come to me when you need anything. Anything at all. Okay?” he says in a quieter tone than before. I nod with a small grin.

A sudden feeling of nostalgia mixed with guilt takes over me. I remember the many memories I had with Taeil before things went downhill. We both always seemed to understand each other, whether or not we were directly expressing our feelings. When I first came out, he was always the one backing me up when people wanted to be dicks. He made me feel less alienated. He made everything okay.

And it feels really good to have that again.

 


	2. Chapter Two

Today, I attend my first party. My first real one, at least. 

It’s not as if I really want to, or even chose to. But Yuta convinced me enough to the point where I felt as if not going would only ruin the reputation I have to create for myself.

“I’ll try and get you a cute boy, Sisi.” Yuta shoves me in the arm and gives me a certain look. A look that reads, Dong Sicheng, you’re getting laid tonight. But I know it’s bullshit. He’s truly only saying this to make me feel more comfortable, but in reality, it’s making me less comfortable.

We walk inside the house of Mark, and as I step inside, I remember I’ve been here once. He threw a pool party back in the seventh grade and invited practically every single person he had ever spoken to—him and I weren’t the closest. I was shocked he even remembered me at lunch the other day. 

“Yuta, you know I don’t like when you do that,” I scold him, only half joking. He lets out an exasperated sigh. I can tell he’s already put off.

“God forbid I ever try to help you.” He walks away, leaving me behind, all by myself. This surely isn’t the first time Yuta has ditched me at a party full of people I don’t know, and people that wouldn’t dare speak to a Lonely, Awkward boy such as I.

I look around the house, remembering little moments spent in here. It’s hard to reminisce in those moments, for I feel so secluded from every other human on the earth at the moment. My heart starts beating faster and harder as I get shoved around in the sea of people. The smell of alcohol that comes from the breaths of teens as they shout to one another causes my head to ache. In the heat of his utterly uncomfortable moment, I make my way upstairs to escape the chaos. 

The upstairs area only has a select few bedrooms to escape to. One is already occupied by a couple having a very intense make-out session, which I can see from the door that they unfortunately left wide-open. Another door is what I assume is the bathroom, for I hear retching of someone throwing up inside. 

I take the last room that isn’t occupied by anyone. I assume it’s Mark’s parents’ room. There’s a king-sized bed in the middle of the room, along with a large vanity and another master bathroom connected to the space. On the opposite side of the room, though, sits a balcony. A nice, big, unoccupied balcony.

I open the door and a gust of cool wind blows over my body. It feels refreshing from the intoxicated atmosphere of the house. My mood seems to calm to a peaceful state, that is until I look to my left, only to find yet another person. Smoking. Something that I assume is mind-altering. Occupying the balcony. I let out a sigh.

“I’m sorry,” I awkwardly mumble. 

“It’s alright,” the boy replies. He looks up at me and shoots me a small grin before bringing his pipe back to his mouth. He has big, buggy eyes, and I feel a little out of place when he looks at me. Not in a bad way, though. “Do you want some?”

I sit down across from him, contemplating his question. I take one whiff of the smoke he exhales and shake my head.

“What are you doing out here?” he asks me. 

I purse my lips. “Escaping the monsters inside that house. I have a fear of them. All of them.”

He chuckles. My heart beats faster.

“You a freshman or something?” he asks. He lights the pipe again. I wince at his comment.

“Actually, I’m a senior,” I answer. “However this is my first party. My first one with alcohol and smoking and sex and all that stuff. It’s so much scarier than how they depict it in those movies.”

He slowly nods as he smiles to himself. I know he wants to laugh, but I don’t know if it’s because he relates, or because he finds me absolutely ridiculous. Both circumstances wouldn’t surprise me at all.

“Can’t blame you,” he replies after a moment of stillness. I watch him closely as he slowly takes in a hit from the pipe, lets in settle inside him, eventually exhaling a small cloud of smoke. He looks so effortless when doing so. Just him sitting there, breathing, just being, looks so effortless. He has a way of moving—as if through a thick layer of molasses. 

I try to think of things to talk about. This guy obviously is accepting my presence. 

“What’s your name?” I ask him. . He grins as he puts out the lit pipe. He packs up his things, getting ready to leave. I feel bad—as if I ruined his night by talking to him. 

“The guy you wish you never met.”


	3. Chapter Three

School goes rather smooth, even despite me barely knowing my way around or knowing half the students roaming the halls. Yuta and Taeil do a decent job of making me feel included—at lunch, they ask me questions, all in front of the other boys, which sparks conversation with them. I don’t feel the most accepted by them, however. 

Except Jaehyun. I remember him from middle school. I never really forgot him, and I don’t think I ever will. 

He was in my seventh-grade science class. I remember that period like the back of my hand. The teacher was nice, but the kids in the class weren’t. Jaehyun was always my go-to partner when it came to group projects or assignments. He was normally really accepting of me. He’d smile and invite me over to his desk space and we’d laugh and make jokes all the while doing our schoolwork. I remember waking up everyday, ecstatic to see Jaehyun. See the dimples that formed when he smiled brightly. His bubbly giggle.

I didn’t know I fell in love with Jaehyun until he told me that I wasn’t allowed to like him.

“I know you have a crush on me.” He came up to me during lunch when barely anybody else had arrived to the cafeteria. He sat across from me, and had a disgusted look on his face. “You can’t do that, Sicheng.”

I had a confused look on my face. I didn’t understand. Why couldn’t I like someone? Why was I not allowed to find someone’s smile cute? Why was it wrong for me to think he was a good, loveable person?

“W-why? How come?”

He scanned the area around us, making sure nobody was listening. 

“I’m a boy. You’re a boy. You can’t do that,” he explained. But I was still confused.

I ate lunch in the bathroom that day. I felt too humiliated to be stared at by anyone of the male gender for the remainder of the day.

I feel sick as Jaehyun sits across from me. We’re alone. I wait anxiously for Yuta and Taeil and the rest of the group to arrive. To avoid making any eye contact with Jaehyun, I stare at my feet. I notice in that moment how dirty my shoes are. They’re just plain, off-white slip-on sneakers. I also notice how skinny my ankles are around them. I look back up, and I see Jaehyun, how bulky and not-twig-like he is compared to me. He’s buff. He’s muscular. I begin to feel more afraid than uncomfortable being alone with him.

After what feels like a century, Taeil sits next to me, and more people begin to fill up the cafeteria. While I have nothing to eat, Taeil begins chowing down on apple slices. My stomach growls as I listen to him masticate the food. 

“How’s the school been treating you?” Taeil asks me in between bites. 

“Good,” I reply. Although it doesn’t really feel good, it doesn’t feel bad either. I guess I’m just going with the motions. “I met someone at the party the other day.”

With that, Taeil’s eyes seem to light up. I was never one to talk about crushes or feeling desperate for a significant other, so I assume Taeil is just caught by surprise. 

“You’re kidding.”

I roll my eyes. “It’s not like that,” I begin to explain. “I don’t even know his name.” 

_ But he was cute.  _

“ _ Not like that _ my ass,” says Taeil. I groan, praying for him to stop talking. Especially around guys such as Jaehyun. “What’d he look like?”

I suddenly feel uncomfortable, for I don’t know if this guy could be walking past me at any moment. As nervous as the thought makes me, I kind of hope it happens, because I wanna see his face again. It was covered by all the smoke he was puffing and the dark sky the last time I saw him.

“He was nice,” I explain. “He didn’t judge me or anything. At least he didn’t show it.” Taeil nods. I assume he’s only doing so to act like he’s listening, especially when Yuta shows up and sits next to him.

I stay quiet the rest of the lunch hour. Yuta rambles about how his mother isn’t letting him and Lia have the weekend to be alone. Then Taeil scolded Yuta for complaining too much. Yuta obviously argued back, for he had to have the last word. Jaehyun and Mark talked amongst themselves. Some other guy named Lucas started curiously at his phone while eating away at a chocolate muffin. 

As the rest of the day drags on, I look harder and harder for the boy from the balcony. I just want to see him again. See how he walks about the halls. Who he talks to as he passes people when going to class. Why he assumes I  _ wish I never met  _ him. Everything about him was so mysterious, and I wanted to solve every piece of him. 

* * *

I realize I’m out of luck when Jinhyuck texts me to tell me that he’s waiting in the parking lot. I kind of hate when he picks me up from school. I’d rather be like the rest of the seniors, who all walk to the drugstore after class to get snacks then made their ways home together. I thought that’s what Yuta and Taeil did without me for the past three years, but apparently, it was only certain days they did all that stuff. And when they did, it was alongside Mark and Jaehyun and some of the others who sat with them at lunch. All people who made me feel like Lonely Awkward Sicheng.

Once I step outside, I begin to search for Jinhyuck’s car. As I scan the parking lot for the silver Chrysler, I’m interrupted by a view that I wish I could stare out forever. His side profile is almost just as nice as his actual face. His jaw is damn sharp. The hair that isn’t brushed back falls so effortlessly over his forehead. With the sun already beginning to fall down to earth, he glows. He literally  _ glows.  _ And I notice, god damn, he’s fucking perfect. 

I walk over to him. My heart pounds.

“Hey,” I say. My voice sounds so weird coming out of my throat. In that moment, I wish I never spoke. 

The Guy looks at me like I’m crazy for a minute, then it registers in his head.  _ Oh yeah. Guy from the balcony. Perhaps I was too high to completely remember.  _

He only replies to me with an awkward smile. I still find it kind of cute. 

“I wish the sky would have looked this nice back on the balcony,” I comment, trying to start a conversation. I just want to hear that milky, warm voice of his. Hell, I want to know his fucking name. But he just continues looking out at the view ahead of him, trying to pretend I don’t exist. I don’t blame him, though.

So I shut up.

And it’s quiet.

I let out a deep sigh as I look out at the view. Across the street is a small community center, and a park right next to it. There’s moms pushing their babies in the swings, kids going down the slides. I remember when my dad used to take me to the park, just him and I. The feeling of missing him comes back, and it comes back too fast. 

The silence becomes too much, and the question still eats away at me.

“What’s your name? For real, this time.” I look at him and he chuckles to himself. He pulls out an earbud from his ear in order to speak to me.

He holds out his hand for me to shake. “It’s Taeyong. And you’re Sicheng, correct?”

My heart flutters. I can’t control the smile forming on my face as I grab his hand. It’s so fucking soft. I squeeze probably too tight on his fingers, which are long and thin. He’s so delicate, I feel so out of place once I realize that I’m  _ touching  _ his hand. I’m touching  _ him. _

“Yeah…yeah. I’m Sicheng,” I answer, my voice much quieter and more shaky than before. As I slowly let go of his hand, my attention is stolen by a silver Chrysler blaring its horn as it waits in the pick up lane. 

I smile awkwardly at Taeyong before walking towards the car. He chuckles quietly to himself, and I feel my dignity go down the drain. 

Stepping into the car, I wave back at Taeyong. He doesn’t see.

“Who’s that?” Jinhyuck asks as he drives out of the school parking lot and out onto the road.  I sigh, knowing he’s already suspecting that this boy is a crush. Which I guess is true, in some way. 

“Just some guy I met a bit ago. I don’t think he likes me, though.”

Jinhyuck shakes his head and laughs. “Stop being so hard on yourself, kid. You’ve been here for a week.”

I don’t reply to his statement. For some reason, I start getting antsy. I think about how maybe, I _wouldn’t_ be so Lonely and Awkward if Jinhyuck never took me out of school. Taeyong would like me. Yuta and Taeil wouldn’t act as if I’m a completely different person.

“You know I’m proud of you, right?” Jinhyuck says in a more serious tone than before. 

I nod. He glances over at me and smiles small.

“I’m okay if you want to date, go to parties, do  _ teen  _ things,” he explains. “I just want you to be safe.”

“I know, you don’t have to worry about that. You really don’t,” I reply.

He turns the corner into our neighborhood, and I begin to feel anxious to get into my bedroom to hide away from Jinhyuck. I really hate it when he gives me these heart-to-heart kind of talks. My heart breaks when I remember I’m all he really has, all the while having that weight on my shoulders. He just wants me to be okay.

“I love you, Sicheng,” he says as I open my bedroom door. 

I pause and turn around. “I love you too.”


	4. Chapter Four

It’s the middle of Saturday. The weather isn’t great, but it’s not horrible. The sky is covered with clouds. The sun is hiding behind it somewhere. A slight wind blows through the atmosphere every now and then. Normally, on a day like this, I’d stay inside and work on some studying, or I’d be watching TV with Jinhyuck. But, after getting a text at three-in-the-morning from an unknown number, I decided to change my plans.

**_Hi Sicheng_ **

**_It’s Taeyong._ **

**_Can you meet me at the park next to school tomorrow?_ **

**_Text me back_ **

Of course, I texted him back. Quicker than normal. Then I added him to my contacts and put a yellow-heart and puppy emoji next to his name. I imagined him sending cute goodnight messages, and my stomach did a front flip.

I shove my hands in the pockets of my sweatshirt as I walk down the sidewalk. Cars zoom past momentarily. Despite it being close to rush hour, the streets seem rather empty. It’s calming, comfortable.

I finally make it to the crosswalk that leads to the park. As I scan the area, I notice there aren’t moms pushing their babies on the swings or kids hanging from monkey bars. All there seems to be is just Taeyong, waiting on the bench next to the rock wall, staring at his feet. I pick up my pace to get to him sooner.

Once he notices me entering the fenced-off area that is the jungle gym, he stands up. He doesn’t smile or anything, though. He looks like he got no sleep—the area around his eyes is dark, his hair doesn’t look very brushed. For a moment, I urge to hug him. He looks as if he needs it. But, things aren’t that way. So I just stand there.

“I need your help,” he says bluntly. He looks so concentrated, however, I don’t know what on. His eyebrows are relaxed, but his eyes are slightly squinting at the white sky. His jaw is clenched, hands in his pockets.

“With what?” I ask.

He nods his head back towards the bench, motioning for us to sit down.  _ God,  _ I wish I could hold those hands. They rest so elegantly on his knees. Then, I notice how his knee is bouncing rapidly. He’s nervous about something, and I don’t know how to calm him down. I feel my words could just go straight through his head—that’s how it seemed the last encounter we had. But I hate sitting here, looking at his expressionless yet somber face, waiting for him to get whatever he wants to say off his chest.

“You’re safe to tell me anything,” I tell him, attempting to make him a little less jumpy. Finally he glances up at me, but only for a fleeting moment.

He bites down hard on his lip. I want to touch his face to make him stop.

“I know Jung Jaehyun.”

Oh lord.

My heart starts racing. As I process Taeyong’s words, a whirlwind of all the things Jaehyun could have told him runs about my head. I feel sweat beginning to form on my back, my forehead, and just about everywhere else.

“W-what’d he say,” I ask with a bland yet nervous tone. 

Taeyong completely repositions himself so he’s staring at me.  _ Staring. At. Me.  _ “He said you were a friend.”

Lie.

“But I also know Moon Taeil.”

I swallow hard. “Taeil’s my best friend,” I say, just to give Taeyong a real response. But inside, my stomach is turning into knots. I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know what he  _ wants  _ me to tell him.

Taeyong lets out a deep sigh as he looks over at the forest of trees in the distance. It seems like he wants to run into them and get lost in the unknown. He seems like that kind of person. He’d run into just about any adventure that called him. Lift the weight of reality off his shoulders every now and then. 

There’s a long moment of stillness between us. Only the sound of birds chirping and leaves brushing up on one another with the wind fills our ears. Taeyong stares at the ground again. I look up at the sky. I close my eyes for a moment, feeling the air around me. The feeling makes me more comfortable, even despite the utterly awkward situation. And I pray for Taeyong to speak.

“Sicheng.” 

I return to my normal position as I look at Taeyong again. His mouth hangs open, but words are absent.

“How did you know,” he begins. “When you were gay.”

Of course. What else would he ask. 

I stay silent for a while. I guess I never really thought about this topic in retrospect. Life just zoomed by too fast to realize. 

“I don’t really know,” I speak. I think about it hard. But all the answers I can think of aren’t helpful in any way. But I just spit out words. “I grew up thinking it was normal. Seeing two men kiss each other goodnight and goodbye and just because was normal. When I was really young, I thought a man and a woman being together was wrong.”

Taeyong looks confused, and I don’t blame him. I dodge the subject regarding myself and think about what Taeyong needs right now, which is help.  _ My  _ help.

“Are you feeling confused about who you like?” I ask him. He glares at me for a quick moment before looking the opposite way again. He doesn’t need to speak for me to know his answer. I can tell there’s conflict within him, eating away at his head. It’s a heavy weight to hold, and he wants me to help him. I, a lonely and awkward boy. 

He nods after a moment. He starts biting his nails and kicking away at the wood chips on the ground. “Please don’t tell anyone, I’m not ready for that,” he pleads. My heart breaks at the sound of his voice. 

“I promise I won’t. I understand how you’re feeling,” I reply. “Just take things step by step. Don’t pressure yourself, don’t overthink how you’re feeling. Just process it all with moderation.”

Taeyong lets out a deep sigh. “Thank you.”


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just imagine cute whiskers on sicheng's cheeks this whole chapter and it's 10x softer.
> 
> also idk how to end chapters wow

The more I go to parties, the more I hate them. Several weeks have passed of being here in public school again, and all the things I hear about in shows and books and movies only becomes more and more real. So far, I’ve witnessed five make-out sessions, been asked to hook up twice, and had to drive Yuta home at least seven times because he got too drunk or high. Taeil backed out of going to parties with us after the second Yuta incident. And that left me stuck with the job of babysitting Yuta.

Today’s party is a lot more odd in the sense that it’s a costume party. With halloween only a week away, even kids of my age need a night to dress up as someone else. Yuta convinced me to slap on his sister’s kitty-ear headband and drew whiskers on me with black marker. He himself went as none other than Napoleon Dynamite. All night, he kept calling every person to pass by him a “fat lard.” Others found it funny, but one person threatened to fight Yuta. I laughed.

The only reason I didn’t pretend to be sick was because Taeyong texted me just three minutes before Yuta showed up at my house, saying he would be there, and he wanted to talk. Alone. Taeyong, wanted to talk alone, with  _ me.  _

The first person Yuta drags me to is Lucas—the guy hosting the party. It doesn’t even require a single word out of the boy’s mouth for us both to tell he’s high as a kite. Especially because he said hi to me first, not Yuta.

“Aw, how cute!” he exclaimed in an incredibly high-pitched voice. He put his finger on my nose and scratched my head. I close my eyes, waiting for Lucas to stop his teasing. I know Yuta’s enjoying every second of it.

“Isn’t he?” Yuta chuckled as he exchanged glances with Lucas. They eventually got into a conversation about girls that were supposed to show up—all stuff I didn’t care about. Heterosexual stuff.

They eventually run off to talk to someone I don’t know, and honestly, I don’t want to meet them. I’m just eager to find Taeyong and see his face and hear his voice again. Never did I think that he’d want to speak to me again, especially after the balcony encounter. But here I am, checking my phone every two seconds, waiting for him to simply say  **_I’m here._ **

As I wait around, I walk about the house to find something to occupy myself with. I run into a few guys that know Yuta and Taeil, but the only one who seems even the slightest bit interested in me is Jaehyun. Of all people,  _ Jaehyun. _

“Nice outfit,” he comments. I know it’s from a bad place.

“Hey Jaehyun.” The words feel toxic as they slip from my mouth. He looks me up and down. I do the same to him out of spite. He’s wearing a football jersey and has sun-absorbing paint under his eyes. I’m not surprised he’s dressed like this. 

He looks around the area we’re standing in, probably to make sure that no one is listening to what he’s about to say. “I know you’re talking to Taeyong. Just back off of him, alright? He doesn’t need you crushing on him. Not right now. Not ever.”

Good lord, I want to destroy Jaehyun. Slap his face, bury him in a ditch, tell everyone how disgusting he is. I don’t care what it is. I just hate him. I  _ hate _ him. Every little piece of him. 

“I’ll talk to whoever I want to talk to, alright?” I reply. I try to sound confident, but instead, my voice is shaky and quiet. Jaehyun notices. He laughs right in my face, loud enough for people in other rooms to hear. 

“Whatever you say. But if Taeyong ever drops your Twinkie ass, don’t be surprised. And don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 

I feel the need to seeth and punch him right then and there, but I hold back. I think about Taeyong and my dad and how they wouldn’t want me to do that. However, my blood still boils through my veins as I watch Jaehyun walk away and start mingling with a group of girls across the room. In this moment, I want to put this kitty-ear headband through a woodchipper, wipe off the makeup and run home. But my mind always goes back to Taeyong. I can’t let him down, not when he needs me.

Once I start walking the opposite direction from where Jaehyun is, my phone starts buzzing in my pocket. Taeyong.

My heart skips a beat.

**_Hi, you at Lucas’ house?_ **

I answer.  **_Yeah, are you?_ **

Minutes pass and he doesn’t answer. I start getting more anxious as time goes on. To pass the time, I wander the upstairs part of the house, but I make sure not to enter any rooms with closed doors. I’ve learned from that mistake too many times.

There’s only a couple of rooms up here. I figure Lucas is an only child. I walk down the small corridor, where picture frames decorate the walls. All photos of Lucas and his parents. His mom and his dad. In the very middle of all the photos is a large mirror. I look in it, and I notice how the reflection I look at is someone I don’t want to be. My eyes are dark. My hair is a mess. I look sad. To try and change it, I smile small. Immediately, I cringe to myself. The fake whiskers on my cheeks move as I change expressions. I shake my head and wipe my eyes as I walk back downstairs. 

My phone buzzes.

**_Any balconies? :D_ **

I smile, probably too big.

**_Haha, I don’t think so. This place kinda sucks. :/_ **

I step outside where it’s quiet and serene. Crickets chirp loudly, and cars pass by every now and then. The atmosphere brings me back to a state of peace, rather than anxiousness. 

I take a seat on the front step. As I take the headband off my head, a figure approaches me.

“At least there’s a front porch,” they say. It’s Taeyong, standing there, looking like the most perfect human. He’s not dressed up in any ridiculous costume. He’s the best character there could be. Himself. Plain baby-blue t-shirt, denim jeans, converse shoes. 

He sits down next to me and looks at the headband I hold. He grins small taking them from my hands. 

“Those are Yuta’s,” I comment. I don’t want him to assume they’re mine, for any reason at all. I laugh. So does Taeyong. 

“You should keep them.” He places the headband back on my head. I don’t need a mirror to know that I’m blushing hard as hell right in this moment. I bury my head in my hands, trying to hide how incredibly whipped I feel right now. 

“Wanna get out of here?” Taeyong adds. As I nod, I look to him, and under the dim porch light, he looks so angelic. His skin is flawless, his hair is nicely brushed back, his eyes sparkle, his lips are the perfect shade of soft pink. He looks like a doll. 

We walk out onto the sidewalk in silence. I wish I could look at Taeyong again, but it’s too dark to make out the features of his face. Although it upsets me, it’s also a relief, because I think I’m still blushing. And I don’t know when I’m going to stop.

“How are you feeling?” I ask Taeyong. 

“I’m okay. I feel better than I did a while ago,” he answers. We turn the corner onto the street where the school is, along with the park. I think we both subconsciously start walking towards it. Maybe, Taeyong feels it’s a safe place for him. Ever since the first endeavour we had here, he could feel like he can vent and say anything he wanted here. 

Taeyong runs across the field and jumps over the fence to get into the park. I run behind him, trying to catch up. He jumps onto a monkey-bar structure, attempting to hang upside down. I laugh as he struggles to get his legs over the rod. 

“Here,” I say as I motion for him to get down. He steps back onto the platform as he fixes his hair back to its original style. “Like this.”

I demonstrate by pulling my chest up to the bar, leaning back, pulling my legs up and wrapping them around the bar. I let go one hand at a time. Taeyong laughs as I wave to him, upside down.

“Wow, I didn’t know you were a gymnast.” 

I jump down from the bar, letting out a deep breath. “Dancer,” I correct him. “I used to dance.”

I think that comment catches Taeyong by surprise, because he stays extremely quiet for another minute or so. Just the crickets and cars fill the atmosphere with sound, and eventually the sound of a swing slowly squeaking as Taeyong moves to and fro. I walk over to where he sits, leaning against the support beam. I can tell he wants to say something. I take the swing next to him.

“You’re safe to tell me anything, you know.” I want him to be reassured. He looks down at his feet.

“I know,” he says. “Did you feel ashamed? Or invalid? I just…”

My heart breaks.

“I’m scared,” he finally admits. I watch as he picks away at the rip in his jeans. I genuinely don’t know what to say, I can’t feel exactly what he’s feeling, I can’t put myself in his shoes so easily. No one can.

“I know how that feels. But you can’t hide from that feeling. You have to just…kick life in the ass.” 

He smiles, but not for long. My heart beats a little faster.


	6. Chapter Six

The only place I really get to talk to Taeyong is when him and I are alone. That kind of eats away at my confidence, knowing that him being seen with me is the last thing he wants. But I don't blame him.

We talk after school, and sometimes he asks to go to the park. That's usually only on days where he's struggling—days when his mind is overpowering his strength to brush off the scary thoughts. I would always be able to tell how he was feeling by the way he messaged me. I could decipher when it was urgent, and when he just needed company.

It's the first day of fall break, and Jinhyuck insisted on having Taeyong over for dinner. I made sure the whole house was spick and span the day before his visit. There wasn't a single piece of dust to be found on any surface in the house.

We drive to my house in Taeyong's car, which is old and clanky and loud. But I don't care, because here, I—Dong Sicheng, of all people—am sitting in Taeyong's car. Only about a foot away from holding his hand, or placing a kiss on his cheek. I try to imagine doing those things—his fragile, long fingers intertwined with mine. Getting to brush that silky hair behind his ear to kiss him. I know I'm way in and over my head, for Taeyong isn't even positive that he would like boys. But I can't help it.

Once we arrive to my dwelling, I become more and more nervous. Jinhyuck was such an unpredictable person. The only thing I was sure he would do is ask Taeyong about a hundred questions—not out of spite, but curiousity. Jinhyuck was like that. He wanted to always know the good in people, not the bad.

* * *

"So, you're a senior, yeah?" Jinhyuck asks Taeyong after he swallows a bite of pizza. Taeyong looks up from his plate.

"Yeah, I am." He takes a sip from his glass of water. I look at him, and he looks nervous. I don't know what about, though. Warning him about Jinhyuck's bombarding questions wasn't enough to calm him down, apparently. If only I could reach under the dinner table to hold his hand. In this moment, I don't know how to help him. 

"You do sports? Sicheng doesn't like sports much."

I give Jinhyuck a certain look. One that tells him to back off, and not to tell too many embarrassing facts about myself. The last thing I want is to push Taeyong away. Not when I'm practically the only one helping him with the things he's feeling. I can't let someone down like that.

"I watch hockey sometimes, but no, I don't play any." Taeyong takes a small bite of pizza. "I'm more of an arts kind of person," he adds. I smile at his comment. I wonder if he likes dance. Jinhyuck answers the question for me.

"Sicheng used to dance. He was amazing. Best at his academy, without question." With that, Taeyong looks at me. His expression is pleasant, a small grin on his lips, bright eyes. 

"Why'd you stop?" Taeyong asks. The one question he has to ask is the one I don't want to answer.

Jinhyuck and I exchange glances, and I know he's already disappointed. Whenever we bring up the topic of dancing, he gets so defensive, so angry. Me quitting was the one thing that just sealed the deal on his broken heart. We both had gone through so much. Once Jinhyuck finally left his room for once, I refused to get up and go to dance practice. I never went back. And he hasn't forgiven me. 

"Life got in the way I guess," I answer. I pick up my plate, walking over to the kitchen sink. I wipe the grease off the surface, the hot water burning at my fingertips. Taeyong eventually brings his silverware over to where I stand. I smile at him. 

After we've eaten, Taeyong and I go up to my bedroom. It's nothing special—white walls, white comforter, wooden furniture. There's a few pictures up, mostly of my dad and I. There's one of me in sixth grade from that year's dance recital. My leg is in arabesque, arms elegantly floating in an L-shape. That picture seems to grab Taeyong's attention most of all. 

"You  _were_ really good," he comments. He inspects the image closely. I feel embarrassed, though. It's not often you meet boys who dance. But I feel even more embarrassed when Taeyong stumbles across my collection of Star Wars action figures. I made sure to put them away into a safe spot, behind a pile of books sitting on my desk. But it's too late—Taeyong picks up a little plastic Han Solo.

"Star Wars, huh?" he mumbles. I let out a nervous chuckle as I try to think of something to get him to stop touching the action figures. "I've never seen Star Wars."

I wince. "I think all my braincells just died."

Taeyong walks over to the bed where I'm sitting. He purses his lips and gives me an unimpressed look. "Well, maybe you'll have to show me one of the movies." 

The thought of that makes me anxious, but in a good way. Anxious to get too many bags of popcorn, anxious to set up a cozy fort for us to cuddle in and watch all the Star Wars episodes in. I know I'm getting too ahead of myself by thinking such things, but I genuinely can't help it. Taeyong existing, right here next to me, only makes the urge worse.

"The new ones are bad. But I'll show you the original movies," I reply after a long moment of silence. Taeyong gives me a small grin, but it goes away within seconds. He looks up at the picture frames—not the ones of my dancing. I know he's confused. I know he's curious. That's the way I used to be. 

My mind wanders to different topics of conversation. I don't want to ask him how he's feeling about his sexuality—I'm sure he's tired of it. He probably needs a friend more than a therapist right now. 

I don't want to know the trivialities of Taeyong's favorite movie or favorite color. Those things don't matter. I want to know which constellation he finds the most interesting, what the theme song is to his life, which fictional character he relates the most to. But I know he doesn't want to talk about those things. He wants to know who I am. Who the people in the frames are. The only problem is, they're not supposed to matter.

No matter how hard I try to forget, they're always there.


	7. Chapter Seven

_Monday_. "What's your favorite food?"

 _Tuesday._ "What's your favorite movie?"

 _Wednesday._ "What's your favorite time of the day?"

Those were the only questions I needed to ask Taeyong to make him feel special. The week of fall break had gone on slowly, for Taeyong rarely asked to hang out. Once enough was enough, I asked him to come over during the weekend before school started up again.

I bought all the ingredients to cook some kalguksu the day Taeyong planned to come over. I made Jinhyuck rent  _Frozen_ on the TV. Taeyong would be over at seven o'clock.

When he arrives, Jinhyuck makes sure my button-up tee looks in line with my neck, and all the buttons are matched. He leaves the top one open and adjusts the collar.

Taeyong wears almost the same exact outfit he wore the last time I saw him, which is a black shirt with some ripped-jeans. It doesn't matter, though, because he's Taeyong, and he looks great no matter what.

"Hey," I greet, opening the door for him. He gives me a big smile—probably the biggest I've ever seen on him. It suits him.

It takes Taeyong a minute to smell the noodles cooking on the stove along with the garlic that sits out on the counter. Then, he asks, "are you making kalguksu?" His expression shows excitement as the realization hits him. His face makes my heart skip a beat.

I chuckle. "I'm trying to."

He helps me finish making the soup—I watch the noodles as they boil while he chops up vegetables. Once it's time for him to cook the vegetables, we stand side by side, stirring the ingredients every minute or so. I'll glance up at him, then he'll look back, and we both smile our awkward grins.

Once we finish, I take over finishing up the dish. Taeyong sits at the counter and looks around the house. Probably thinking about how small it is. I don't know much about Taeyong and what class he's raised in, but this house would look tiny to just about anyone who stepped inside.

Once the soup is prepared in two bowls, I suggest going outside onto the porch. It was calmer there—more isolated and tranquil. Only trees were to be found back there, along with a small meadow where birds and groundhogs sometimes could be found. When I was little, I liked to dance around in the yard. My dad would call me a male Snow White. I liked when he said that. It made me feel worthy—as worthy as a prince.

Taeyong devours his food in what seems like the blink of an eye. I try to scarf down the rest of what will fit in my stomach. There's a few bites left, and I willingly give them to Taeyong.

"That was amazing," he compliments. "You need to go to culinary school or something."

I smile at his comment. "You helped, too."

Taeyong shrugs.

Jinhyuck already has the movie set up for us in the living area. The couch is covered with blankets, and a mahogany-scented candle is lit on the coffee table. I laugh to myself, knowing Jinhyuck is trying his hardest to make the area as romantic as possible. Although he does his best, I doubt there's anything on the earth that will make Taeyong fall in love with someone like me.

I grab the remote and set the volume at a reasonable level. Taeyong moves a couple blankets out of his way and makes himself comfortable that way. However, I make myself a blanket-burrito.

As soon as the movie starts, Taeyong is so invested. His eyes don't leave the screen the entire time. That is until  _Love Is An Open Door_ begins to play on the screen. Taeyong grins to himself as he glares over at me.

"Come on," he says while standing up. "We have to dance."

I give him a shocked expression, but I stand up anyway. He laughs, probably out of embarrassment, but he doesn't take back his command. And that makes my heart warm and fuzzy inside—knowing he  _knows_ he's safe with me.

I let him lead the way.

 _"All my life has been a series of doors in my face!"_ Taeyong giggles as I steal his hands and hold them. They're just as nice as I had imagined. He doesn't look at me once while I fix his posture—his back is slumped and his shoulders are crooked. I take his hand and place it on the small of my back, and when I set it there, it doesn't move a single milimeter. Then, I place my hand around his neck.

Almost right on cue, when Ana sings, " _I see your face, and it's nothing like I've ever known before!"_ Taeyong moves his gaze to mine. We both laugh as we sway side to side.

Once Hans and Ana go into the second verse, Taeyong releases his hand from mine.

"Do you know how to spin? And dip?"

His eyes widen. I steal his hands again. His fingers are long beneath my small hands, and that makes me feel secure.

I raise our arms and spin under them. Taeyong watches in confusion, waiting for my instruction.

"Now," I say. "Put your left arm behind my upper back." He does as I say. I wrap my arm behind his neck. And I dip. We stay like this for a while.

_"You and I were just meant to be!"_

I stand back up again. Both Taeyong and I struggle for air as we continue laughing. As soon as Taeyong sits back down onto the couch, the feeling of wanting his hands back in mine becomes unbearable. I miss him holding me. Even if it all was out of fun, and only lasted for seconds, I missed it like hell.

I sit closer to Taeyong, and forget the blanket burrito. I want my skin to be as close to his as possible.

It's the moment Elsa runs away from the palace when Taeyong moves the position of his body. I can tell he's tired, the dancing really wore us out, it seems. He resets himself comfortably by leaning on his side—the one closest to me—then rests his head on my shoulder. On. My. Shoulder.

At first, I flinch just a little. But Taeyong seems to sleepy to notice. Then, once he settles a bit more, I feel more comfortable. This—being here, close with him—isn't that bad. Sure, my nerves are going ballistic and my stomach won't stop doing somersaults. But just having him  _on_ me is a sensation I can't describe. It's safe. Just  _okay._

Taeyong falls asleep right before much action even happens in the movie. I give him a while to rest—it's when Elsa starts singing  _Let It Go_ I wake Taeyong up to get him home.

His eyes are half open, hair only a little bit messy. He brushes his fingers through the strands in a rush. "God, I'm so sorry, Sicheng, I—"

"It's alright, Taeyong. Don't stress, okay?" I interrupt him. He wipes his eyes as he stands up.

"Can I make it up to you? God, I didn't think I'd be so tired. Please, I feel so bad."

I stand up in front of him. "Just don't feel bad, and that will suffice. Okay?"

He nods.

"Can you drive yourself home? Do you need coffee or anything?" I ask. He looks towards the door, then down at his feet.

"No, thanks. I'm okay."

And with that, I walk him outside to the driveway. We stand at the front doorstep for a moment. I can tell there's something Taeyong needs to get off his chest. I take his hand.

"Thanks for tonight," he says as soon as our fingers touch. "And just being you. You're a good friend, Sicheng."

 _Friend._ I've never hated that word up until now.

Taeyong pulls me into a hug. A friendly hug. Not one that says,  _I love you, that's never changing, if I need to take a bullet for you I will._ More like one that says  _damn, bro, you're fucking cool, and I'll slam you if you think otherwise._

But to Taeyong, it means something else.

"You're worth melting for, Sicheng."


	8. Chapter Eight

The day goes by slow. Classes seem to drag on for hours, lunch hour is uneventful, and I don't see Taeyong. Ever since the night of dancing and hugging, the feeling of missing him becomes stronger and more painful. Sometimes unbearable to the point where I call him and we have to talk on the phone to suffice.

Yuta doesn't talk to me much. Taeil tries to, but only because it's obvious that I'm being quiet. I'm hiding the fact that I'm in and over my head about a boy.

It's Monday. The ride to pick up our milkshakes is almost silent, with the exception of when Taeil sneezes and Yuta and I say "bless you."

The silence becomes too much. "How were your breaks?" I ask them as we wait in the drive-thru line. Taeil turns around to look at me. He has a small grin on his face, and it's evidently fake, but I don't mind. Yuta doesn't acknowledge me at all.

"Boring. Just worked on college apps," Taeil answers. Yuta pulls up to the window to pay for our milkshakes. "I'm just anxious for the new year to come around."

I think about Taeil's statement. I hadn't realized up until now just how quick the year had gone by. It was definitely better than I had anticipated it to be—with the idea of graduating constantly on my mind, I had high hopes. Getting into the swing of public high school definitely made things go by faster, and the fact that I got to do it with people other than just Jinhyuck and a homeschooling counselor made it all even better.

Yuta passes the milkshakes to Taeil, who passes one back to me. The sweet vanilla in my mouth reminds me of all the other Mondays we had together like this. It's already been a long four months of being in school, and we only had about four left. Then, we'd all be off in college, going to really, truly begin our lives.

Taeil wants to be a psychologist. He took the college psych class in his sophomore year and got a five on the exam. He seems to know every single inner working of the brain. I guess that's why he seems to always know exactly how to help me when I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Yuta, however, plans on going to school for soccer. He's hands-down the best player at school. He made the varsity team fresh out of middle school, and stayed at the top of the team ever since. He already has scouts giving him full rides from all over the country.

But I never thought about what I would be doing. Back four years ago, the thought of college never even came up. I guess I figured life was over once Jinhyuck took me out of public school. No colleges to be running after me for dance scholarships.

Yuta finally makes his way out of the parking lot and onto the main road. By the look on his face in the rearview mirror, he's angry about something.

"What's up, Yuta?" I ask him as I put a hand on his shoulder.

"Nothing. You?" he answers sarcastically. Taeil and I exchange glances. There's a quick moment of stillness, until Taeil breaks it.

"Sicheng has a crush!" he exclaims with enthusiasm. I give him an evil glare. There's no way Yuta  _wouldn't_ suspect it to be Taeyong. Him and I walked home after school together nearly everyday—except Mondays, of course—and Taeyong knew most of the guys in our friend group. My nerves danced about my body as Yuta chuckled to himself.

"Lee Taeyong?" Yuta took in a deep breath. "Taeyong's not gay. He's got every girl in the county wrapped around his finger, or his—"

"Hey," Taeil interrupts. "Calm down, dude."

I stay quiet. Right now, I'm really angry. At Taeil. At Yuta. At both of them collectively. God, I just want to jump out of the car right now in this moment, but that would only validate everything. And I can't let Taeyong down like that. He doesn't deserve that.

"I don't have a crush on him, alright?" I say, more serious than before. "Even if I did, why would his sexuality matter?"

Taeil bites his nails. Yuta laughs. My blood boils.

"Damn, looks like they just announced the new Spicy Twinkie!"

I clench my jaw. I almost kick the back of his seat right then and there, but I hold back. Instead, I grip tightly onto the bottom hem of my t-shirt. I'm surprised it doesn't rip. My head swirls with comments to throw back at Yuta, but all I can muster up is, "You heteros have no decency."

With that, Yuta pulls over onto the shoulder of the road. He scoffs loud enough for Taeil and I to hear. "Get out," he says, unlocking the doors.

"Yuta!" Taeil shouts sternly. But before he can say much, I'm opening the door, and I begin walking down the street. The  _opposite_ direction from where they drive. I don't look back. I pull out my phone and call Jinhyuck.

* * *

For once, the smell of my house comforts me. All day, I've been anxious just to get into bed and sleep away the day. The words Yuta said continue to play in my head like a broken record, and I just want it to stop.

"Hey, Sicheng," Jinhyuck calls from the front door as I begin running upstairs. "Come sit."

I let out a deep sigh as I slowly walk back into the kitchen and living area. By the tone of Jinhyuck's voice, and the way he moves to sit down at the counter, he really has something to say. And it's important.

As I sit next to him, he turns towards me. He grabs my hand and grips onto it.

"I know this probably isn't something you want to hear," he begins. My heart starts racing. "But, I want you to know that. . ."

He makes long pauses in between his words. I just want him to spit it out, get whatever he needs to say out there and overwith.

"I've met someone. And we've been talking for a couple months now."

Out of all the things he could have said, this was the last thing I expect. I don't even know what to say to him. So, I stay quiet. Absolutely silent.

"He's a great guy. I just know you're gonna love him. You just need to give us a chance, Sicheng, and I know you don't want to do that."

For some reason, tears start forming in my eyes. I don't want this. This was the last thing I thought would happen. It was supposed to be fine, we were going to move on from all that happened and just be Sicheng and Jinhyuck. I don't  _want_ this.

There's a long moment of silence. I clench my jaw hard, pulling my hand away from Jinhyuck's as I wipe a stray tear.

"Please say something," Jinhyuck pleads. I let out a deep breath.

"Congrats, Jinhyuck. I hope you both are happy." And with that, I run upstairs to my room, and I slam the door as hard as I can. What I feel more than anything is confusion. But with that, there's anger. Pure, raw fury. And I don't know what to do.

I do what my instincts are telling me and text Taeyong. He's really the only person I think I can tolerate right now.

**_Hey, can you meet somewhere? I need to rant._ **

It only took him about five minutes to answer.  ** _On my way._**


	9. Chapter Nine

Taeyong's car smells of citrus and smoke. That's what  _he_  smelled sometimes—mostly just citrus if he hadn't smoked a joint the same day. But by the looks of the pipe sitting in the cupholder, he just had a few hits.

He drives to the park, of course. The sun is already beginning to set, so there surely won't be any babies and moms there. We can see that we get the place all to ourselves when he pulls into the parking lot.

He walks ahead of me, and I'm almost tempted to run up to him and grab his hand. But I stay behind. I remember what he said the other day.  _You're a good_ friend.

We walk around the perimeter of the park in silence. I know Taeyong is waiting for me to say something, but the truth is, I don't know what to say. Maybe I just needed his company. Maybe just simply seeing his face would make things better.

Instead of taking a seat on the bench, Taeyong walks up the steps to one of the bigger playsets. I follow him closely, until he sits down at the highest point of the structure, right in front of the slides. He leans back against the metal bars and lets out a deep breath. I suddenly feel guilty for dragging him here. Having to listen to me complain probably won't make the situation any better, either.

"Everything okay?" Taeyong asks as he glances at me. His eyes squint at the setting sun. When it shines on his skin, he glows, his skin appears golden. God, I wish I could touch him again.

"I'm just angry," I begin. "At everyone."

Taeyong frowns. "Even me?"

I raise my eyebrows at him with disapproval, only jokingly, though. "Not you, no."

He grins.

"You can talk to me too," Taeyong says after a pause. "You've been here for me. It's the least I can do to repay you."

I swallow hard. The thing is, I don't know what to talk about. If I talk about how Jinhyuck has met someone new, I have to explain everything that happened years back, all that I've had to hold on my shoulders the past several years. I don't want to tell him those things. I need to be the strong one— _he_ needs  _me._ There's nothing new about what I'm feeling. Confusion and anger were common emotions I held within me.

"It's Jinhyuck. He's got a boyfriend, apparently." I tuck my knees into my chest, looking down into my lap. I don't want Taeyong to see me get upset. That's the last thing I want. "I should be happy for him, but I'm not. I'm really not happy."

I run my finger along the surface of the structure. It's cold and scratchy along my fingertip. Taeyong watches me trace different patterns, not saying a word.

"He hasn't seen anyone in at least five years. I'm just upset that he gets to move on but I still have to dwell in the past."

Taeyong licks his lips and bites down on the inside of his cheek. I know he's thinking of something to say that will help, but truly, the only thing that could help the situation in any way at all would for my dad to be here again and Jinhyuck to never see this new boyfriend of his ever again.

"I don't know the whole story," Taeyong starts. He moves his gaze from my hand to my eyes. My stomach churns. I look down at my lap again. "But I know what that's like. Feeling betrayed. It sucks. And you have a right to be upset."

God, I want to hold his hand right now. I want to hold  _him._ Taeyong doesn't ask questions. He just exists, and I don't realize how much I just  _want_ him, until he gives me a small grin. My heart starts racing.

I need him to know, I want him to know. Right now, the possibilities of it pushing him away doesn't matter. I need someone— _Taeyong—_ to be close to me.

Clenching down on my jaw, I grip onto the cloth of my navy-blue basketball shorts. "Jinhyuck used to be married. My dad," I pause. "He was with my dad. They were married. They were in love. I thought they were in love. They loved me, they loved each other. My life was so full of love. Their lives were too. I thought they were. I don't know why I thought that, it wasn't true, it was all a lie, I just—"

One second I'm rambling, the next, there's lips on mine. Warm, small, but soft. And, there's a hand on top of mine. Fragile, thin, cold fingers over mine. They tighten around mine as the lips pull away. I look up at the eyes. Those buggy, puppy-dog eyes. My heart twists inside my chest.

Taeyong's nose brushes against my cheek as he moves closer to me. "It's okay," he says softly. He cups my face in the hand that isn't holding mine. Then he kisses me again, this time, I feel it more than just my mouth. His tongue slips past my teeth, which causes me to jolt. He pulls away again.

I just sit there, wide eyed, not moving. His hand leaves my cheek. Taeyong's eyes pierce right through me as I struggle to catch my breath. A feeling so foreign such as having lips on mine never felt so great, and I missed it. I stare at his mouth as it curves into that perfect little smile. I poke the end of his grin with my finger.

"You were rambling." Taeyong takes my hand and kisses my knuckles.

I giggle. "I'm sorry."

He kisses my cheek. His lips are so warm against my cold skin, I want them all over me. I don't want to have to go back home to Jinhyuck. I don't want to see Yuta or Taeil at school tomorrow. I just want to stay here, with Taeyong, forever. Kissing him and touching him.

It's all I want.


	10. Chapter Ten

The remaining weeks of fall go by slow. I rarely talk to Jinhyuck. I never talk to Yuta, or any of the boys at school for that matter. Taeil tries to talk to me as if nothing ever happened. As if he didn't ruin my relationships with just about everyone I spoke to at school. I go along with it, though—losing more friends is the last thing I need. Especially when I have to go home to Jinhyuck everyday, knowing he's in love with someone that isn't my dad.

I see Taeyong as much as I can. But I don't like bombarding him too much. Usually, when we spend time together, he likes to get high beforehand or during. That way, he likes it when we kiss, but he doesn't like talking about doing it in public. He likes to touch me, but only if we're alone. But on days where he doesn't want to kiss and touch me, he doesn't ask about anything. He just let's us  _be._ And I love that about him.

At school, he pretends like I'm just another person in the halls.

We don't have the same lunch hour. So that means I just sit on the benches outside of the cafeteria, that way I don't have to see Yuta or Jaehyun or Taeil or  _anyone_ for that matter. I text Taeyong while he's in class—sometimes he answers, other times, he doesn't. I know when he's in the mood to spend time together and when he just wants to do other stuff.

My thumbs start to get tired of texting Taeyong I decide to just mingle around the cafeteria, for sitting on the bench or the floor outside gets boring and painful. Kids walk around, holding their lunch trays and phones. Some laugh, others just talk. I wish I had people to do that with.

As hard as I try to avoid the table where Yuta and the rest sit, Taeil seems to spot me from across the space. I see him walk towards me. I walk back outside.

He eventually finds my hiding spot. I had my phone out to text Taeyong, until Taeil snatched it from my hands. I nearly hit him in that moment. But he's Taeil, and I wouldn't do that to him. I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to.

"What's going on, Sicheng?" he asks me in a stern tone. Lately, he's just talked to me like normal. His happy-go-lucky self. But when he knows something's off, or something is just wrong, he's the total opposite. He's relentless to get the truth out of you. Not because he's intrusive, but because he just cares.

I clench my jaw as I reach back for my phone. Taeil pulls it away from my hand again. I hang my head low. "Please, Taeil, just let me be."

He sighs. "I'm not leaving until you start talking. Please. I care about you," he pleads.

"If you cared about me, maybe you wouldn't keep trailing along with the other guys. You do realize they seem to have everything in their bodies against me." I look the opposite direction from where Taeil sit. I don't have to glance over at him to know he's deep in thought, trying to think of something to make me feel better.

"I don't think that's true," Taeil starts after a long pause. "Why would they be so welcoming to you on your first day if they didn't like you?"

I bury my face in my hands as I squeeze my eyes shut. Taeil places his hand on my back. My heart starts to race, and my breathing becomes more heavy.

"Nothing's going right," I say blatantly. "I'm taking it out on you guys. I'm sorry."

Taeil moves his hand from my back to my head. He ruffles my hair, then wraps his arm around my shoulder. "I'm here, for anything. You know that right? I always say it, but I'll say it again."

I lift my head up and look at him. "Yeah. Thanks."

Taeil smiles, and I feel like crying. I wonder why he's still so nice to me. Why he's so nice to everyone. Sometimes, I wish I could be more like him. I've never seen him cry, I've never seen him have a bad day.

Taeil and I walk back to class together. He doesn't leave my side. And I know in my heart that even if the world were ending, he'd still be here with me.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning.
> 
> stay safe!

There's one day every year where Jinhyuck and I don't speak to each other and we stay in our separate bedrooms all day. While I do as much as possible with anything around my room—to keep my mind off everything—Jinhyuck stays in bed. He cries at least once an hour. Some years, he may text me to get him water, but most times he just stays quiet. And alone. And I guess I do the same.

Taeyong rarely asks to see me this late at night. It's Saturday, Jinhyuck tries talking to me at least ten times just in this evening alone, but I ignore him. I know giving into him would only make me hate myself, and I can't disappoint my dad like that. That's the last thing I want.

He pulls up in my driveway at nearly midnight. I don't care, though. Time is nonexistent whenever I'm with Taeyong, or even when I'm thinking of him. He makes the world disappear around myself when we're together.

When I sit in the passenger's seat, he looks at me longingly. His eyes are small, and so is the line of his lips that curls up when I grab his hand.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey," I answer. He smiles, now showing his teeth. My heart contracts in my chest. I kiss his knuckles as he drives away. "Where are we going?"

He keeps his eyes on the road, but moves his head slightly over towards me. "My hiding place."

By hiding place, he means the forest next to the local beach. It was thick with large, tall pines and oaks. He seemed to know right where he was going as soon as we stepped foot into the woods, for he didn't even have to stop to look around. He just walked, and I followed.

The night was still, dark, but somewhat safe even despite all that. The moon was in its waning crescent phase, and the lack of clouds in the sky allowed the stars to glisten in the sky. But Taeyong was the brightest star visible to my eyes. I know this as soon as he takes my hand, lacing his fingers between mine, lifting my chin up towards the sky.

We stand in the middle of an open circle, no trees or bushes or anything around us. There's no trees blocking my view of the million lights in the dark azure. While I gaze, an airplane crosses the view. I look back down, and Taeyong wraps his arm around my waist. I chuckle.

"Are you high?" I ask him. It comes out as a joke, but I do want to know. Then, he pulls out a bag of pot and a pipe from the back pocket of his jeans.

"Not yet," he answers. We sit down and he starts smoking on the pipe, sometimes letting me take hits. I try not to take too much. I want to take enough to make me forget myself for a bit—forget about Jinhyuck, forget about Yuta, forget about everything.

I lay down on the dirt ground. Taeyong stays sitting up, and he looks at me as if I'm the most important thing in the world. Only in that moment.

Our eyes meet for a while. His lips slowly turn into a smile. He brings the pipe back to my lips, brushing my hair back with his hands. I look at him while I inhale, and he chuckles.

"You're cute," Taeyong coos. He continues brushing his hand back over my forehead and along my hair. He lightly scratches my scalp with the tips of his fingers. The action makes my body tingle.

He eventually lies down next to me. My eyes start getting more fuzzy the more time goes on. I feel lightheaded. My limbs are light as a feather whenever I pick them up. Taeyong notices—he probably knows I've never been high before. He just brushes his fingers along my arm.

I let out a deep breath. Looking up at the sky makes my chest ache. My mind wanders to places I don't want to revisit. I remember the night when the police dragged me out of the house. Their arms held onto my upper arm so tight, I remember there being a bruise left under my bicep. Medics ran in at the speed of light. Jinhyuck was screaming bloody murder, they needed more than just one cop to keep him from going inside. And all I could do was sit outside of the house, and stare up at the sky. Trying to make sense of the stars. Trying to make sense of why it happened. Why he did it.

I start crying.

I sit up and heave in a deep breath. Taeyong looks up, but he doesn't realize I'm crying until my shoulders start violently shaking.

"Woah, woah, Sicheng. What's going on," Taeyong says as he sits in front of me. I cover my face and tuck my knees into my chest. It makes it harder to breathe, but the last thing I want is for Taeyong to see me cry. No one has seen me cry in years. Not one human being.

I struggle to find words, for all I seem to do is just sob. A shooting pain explodes in my chest the more I cry, and my breathing comes to a complete halt. Taeyong then grabs my hands firmly and pulls them away from my face. He hugs me, and I cry in his shoulder. Hard.

"Hey, hey," Taeyong says calmly. "Sicheng. Talk to me. Please." He strokes my hair as I weep into his chest. He attempts to lift my head, but I resist. I don't have to look in a mirror to know how puffy my eyes and lips are.

My arms wrap tighter around Taeyong's waist. He kisses my head, saying things like  _it's okay_ and  _talk to me._ Except it's not okay, and I can't talk to him.

Once I calm down, Taeyong takes my face in his hands and wipes the tears from my face. That only makes me feel more vulnerable. The more he wipes at my cheeks, the more tears fall.

It's hard to keep my eyes open. My eyelids droop lower and lower as the seconds pass.

"You can talk to me," Taeyong reassures. He pulls me closer to him, so my legs are wrapped around his hips and he holds me in his arms. He grabs my hand and laces his fingers through mine. He kisses my knuckles. And I feel safe.

"I...it—"

"Hey." Taeyong lifts my head.

"Today," I start. "It's been five years since my dad, he..."

He holds my hand tighter. I break down again. But now, I don't care if he sees me cry. I let out every broken sob that I have left in me. My heart clenches in my ribcage the louder I cry. Taeyong tries to stop me, tries to calm me down, but it doesn't work. Nothing works. And nothing ever worked five years ago.

"I couldn't do anything. God, I should have done something, if I would have done something he wouldn't he dead and Jinhyuck would be happy and I wouldn't have sat at home for four years straight with no outside interaction goddammit, I should have done something, why didn't I do anything. God I'm so fucking stupid."

"Sicheng, hey. That's not true."

I shake my head as I rest my forehead on Taeyong's chest. He just strokes my hair and kisses my head.

"I just sat there and watched him, God, I'm so dumb. How could anyone be so fucking messed up." I scream into his chest. He pulls me closer, tighter than anyone has ever held me before. For just moment, I feel okay. He rubs my back and reminds me he's there, and that's what I need. Him. Here with me. Having Jinhyuck and Yuta hate me doesn't matter when Taeyong has me here in his arms.

"Shh, you're okay. You're safe. You're okay," Taeyong whispers. He moves his hands to beneath my shirt, tracing my spine. His fingertips lightly brush along my skin, causing goosebumps to form on my arms. I pick my head up from his chest, and he kisses my forehead.

"Can we go to your house?" I ask quietly. He just nods, holding my head up, and giving me a soft peck. And with that, he walks us back to his car. He holds my hand. He doesn't let go—not until we separate to get out of his car once we arrive to his house.

I have only been to his house once in the time I've known Taeyong. It's spacious and has nice furniture and embellishments all around. His dad owns a car dealership, so I understand the luxuries Taeyong has. His room is big. Probably about the same size as the whole upstairs floor in my house. I should be envious of him, but the fact that he's so humble about it makes me happy for him and his family. Taeyong deserves it.

He takes me up to his bedroom. It's clean and it smells like Taeyong—sweet citrus. He undoes the duvet on his bed and motions me over to it. I climb in, not thinking twice about it. He eventually lies next to me after turning the lights off, grabbing a small lamp of some sort.

"Look at this," he says before curling up next to me. I turn over to him, and he turns on the little lamp. Before my eyes, the whole room is lit up. Fake stars make themselves comfortable among the roof of Taeyong's room.

He grabs my hand. "It even shows the constellations according to time. Now, we can see Cassiopeia, Pisces, and Andromeda." With the hand that isn't holding mine, Taeyong points to the different clusters of stars. But, I can't see them.

"I can't see," I tell him. He looks over at me with concern. "Puffy eyes."

He pets my arm, and I know he feels bad.

"Here," he breathes. He pulls the comforter down to our knees. "Cassiopeia."

My eyes meet his as he sneaks his hand to my torso. He lightly presses down on the center of my sternum, moving down in a zig-zag motion. He lands right beneath my belly button, and he rests his hand there. I put my hand on his.

"Another one," I say.

Taeyong repositions himself again, starting at the left side of my torso. He drags his finger down back to my navel, and up in the opposite direction. "Pisces."

He does another one, but this time, his hand finds its way beneath my t-shirt. The contact of his fingers right on me makes me feel more vulnerable, more fragile. But it's Taeyong. He won't break me.

The next one is more complex. It's hard for me to make out the shape of the constellation, for it seems to cross every which way in all directions in all different lengths. But I don't care—those long, nimble fingers on my skin feels so good.

"Andromeda," he says before wrapping his arm completely around my waist. He pulls me closer to him with more force than I think he holds in those thin arms of his. His forearm is warm against my lower back. I wrap my arm under his shoulder, and my leg around his.

"Taeyong," I choke out. He brushes his nose against mine, nuzzling our foreheads together. He attempts to pull me closer, but fails, because our chests are already touching. There's no more space between us.

"Sicheng." I love my name on his lips.

"I love you."

He doesn't say it back. Instead, he steals my lips with his own. Soft, warm. Tastes like sweet. He pulls away, and my leg wraps tighter around him, begging for his lips again.

I move my hand from his shoulder to his neck, and then his face. He kisses me deeper. My heatt races. I comb my fingers through his hair, and he leans back into it. He pulls away, but I lightly bite on his lip to keep him close.

He groans as he tries pulling away. "Hey."

I look at him. I miss his mouth already.

"Hey."

He smiles as he carresses the side of my torso.

"I love you too."


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

Time eventually proved that Taeyong was the only person I could rely on. He asks about me everyday. He hugs me when we sneak into the bathroom during class. Sometimes, he prefers talking and making sure I'm really okay, getting every word out of me. But other days, I tell him that I  _don't_ want all that. I just want him to kiss me and hold me. So he'll do just that.

Today's different, though. We both just want each other's company. He wants to make me feel special, and I want to just feel him. See him. Be with him.

His mom already has samgyeopsal prepared when I come over. His entire family sits with us at dinner—and I love them. I could get used to being here in Taeyong's dwelling more. His dad is funny. He cracks jokes as much as possible, but doesn't ever make the mood uncomfortable. Taeyong's sister is the same way—funny, but at a pace. She isn't usually at the house, since she lives with her boyfriend, according to Taeyong. And his mom is really nice. Sweet like honey. She has a really calming voice. I love them all.

They ask me about my likes and dislikes. I tell them about how I used to dance. And when they ask about my family, I tell them the truth.

"I live with my dad, I guess," I say. But I hate the way that sounds. Calling Jinhyuck  _dad._ It's not right. It hasn't been right. "He's gay. He has a boyfriend, actually. But I haven't met him."

Taeyong looks at me with concern as we eat. His parents do the same. His sister just eats away, probably trying to distract herself.

"The one I live with—Jinhyuck—he's not my real dad. My real dad passed away when I was twelve. Jinhyuck was just his boyfriend." Taeyong grabs my hand under the table. He furrows his eyebrows, and I don't think it's out of concern anymore. He wants me to shut up. But, he's also surprised. It's not like he knew all the details before this very moment.

Taeyong's parents exchange looks. I can tell they're already going to say something to me out of pity, and I let them. They can't be blamed.

"I'm sorry, Sicheng," Mr. Lee says.

"Me too," I reply. Taeyong brushes his foot up on mine. The corner of my mouth lifts, but I restrain from completely smiling.

Once we all finish eating, Taeyong takes me to the living area in their basement. It's the perfect temperature and the perfect setting. He has  _Star Wars: Return of the Jedi_  queued up on the TV. Popcorn is already set up in a large bowl on a table next to the couch. Taeyong grabs my hand, dragging me to the sofa. We curl up close, and he wraps a large blanket around both our shoulders.

"You're the best," I tell Taeyong as he grabs the popcorn from the table. He smiles and kisses my cheek.

"Not when you exist." He takes a bite of popcorn and grins as he chews. He then feeds me a piece before placing his hand on my shoulder, pulling me in for a kiss. I laugh, and he only kisses me deeper. I shove him away playfully.

"I change my mind. You're not the best," Taeyong teases. I roll my eyes. He giggles.

"Just put the movie on, dumbass." I steal his hand, holding it tight. I kiss his knuckles. He squeezes my hand tighter.

The opening title begins to roll, and while Taeyong reads it, I watch him. I can tell he's trying to get invested in the story to impress me, but he doesn't know that he already has. He did a while ago.

I lean into his side, and eventually I end up on his lap. He keeps his arms close to me. One hand holds mine, another wrapped around my waist. I brush that hand with my fingers, just to remind him that I'm still here. He'll kiss my head.

At the point where Han reunites with Leia after being in the frozen carbonite, Taeyong leans his forhead on my shoulder. I can tell he's already bored.

"Hey," I say quietly as I pat the side of his head. "You wanna stop?"

He nuzzles his forehead into the crook between my neck and shoulder. He moves the arm wrapped around my waist to just the side of my body, sneaking his hand under my shirt. I turn around so I face him completely. 

"Not unless you do." Taeyong's thumb brushes the side of my torso where my ribs are. I wrap my arms around his neck, stroking where his hair tapers off. He doesn't show any expression—his lips stay in a flat line, his eyebrows are at rest, his eyes just pierce into mine. For once, I don't want to kiss him. I enjoy just sitting here and looking at him, admiring him. He's really perfect. And he's mine. 

I reach towards the side table and grab the remote, pausing the movie. Taeyong puts his hand on the outside of my thigh, brushing his fingers over my denim jeans. He looks back at my eyes. "Why didn't you tell me all those things," he mumbles. "The stuff you said at dinner."

I let out a sigh. He stops caressing my leg. "Sometimes I feel comfortable saying that stuff. Other days, I need to forget about it." He swallows hard. "It's nothing against you, Tae. I love you."

He grins. "I know. I just feel like a bad person for not knowing. Not helping you as much as you probably need me to, you know?"

I take his face, cupping it in my hands. He lets out a light chuckle. "You're a great person. And I'm okay. I'm perfect. As long as I have you, everything is okay. Okay?"

He kisses me lightly. Keeping our faces close, he says, "okay."


	13. Chapter Thirteen

The night is alive with hustle and excitement. With it already being the eve of the new year, people are hyped up for their new start to life. I've never anticipated new years, for they just seemed the same. Nothing about the clock turning from 11:59 to 12:00 seemed different on this single night. But to others, it did.

Taeyong insists on going to Mark's new year's party. I only tell him I'll go because he is. It's supposed to be a smaller get together—just the boys in Mark's cirlcle. I never thought I'd be one of them.

Taeyong holds my hand up until we reach the driveway of Mark's house. He starts walking ahead of me once we reach the front porch.

Mark welcomes us inside, but is weary when he notices me behind Taeyong. I ignore it, though, following Taeyong into the kitchen where everyone else was.

The only guys I recognize are Yuta, Jaehyun, Taeil, Lucas, and these other boys from my classes—Ten and Doyoung and Johnny. They don't say hi to me or anything, though. Some of them have their girlfriends with them. Yuta keeps Lia close to him, and he constantly kisses her neck and the side of her face. She always leans into it, too. I kind of wish I could hold Taeyong's hand now like the guys do with their girls.

Jaehyun mixes drinks. The smell of the heavy alcohol grows stronger and stronger as he passes around the cups. I eventually end up with one in hand, and after a single sip, I feel nauseated. But since everyone else already seems to be on their third cup, I chug down the beverage.

People eventually make their ways into the basement, because that's where the giant TV is and the Actual bar. Taeyong stays behind, and I stay with him. Eventually, it's just us.

"Balcony?" I ask, beginning to smile. He does too. We run upstairs and into Mark's parents' room. He leads the way, but opens the door to the balcony for me. I grab the collar of his shirt and pull him closer to me.

I lean against the house as Taeyong wraps his arms around my waist. That seems to be his favorite place on me—the place where I feel most secure with him.

"I love you," I mumble as I start to press my lips against his. He smiles as I kiss him slowly. He pulls away within a few seconds.

"We should go back down. In case they notice," he says in monotone. I purse my lips and nod.

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You go ahead."

And he leaves. I lean my forehead against the wall, letting out a deep breath. I feel like kicking something. Mostly all the judgemental people sitting in the basement right now. The people that make Taeyong afraid to be his true self.

I eventually rejoin the group, and I find Taeyong talking to Johnny. I don't want to interrupt them, so I stay in the same place just about the whole night, slowly sipping from my cup. Taeil eventually talks to me, but not for long. It doesn't take much out of him to know he's somewhat angry with me. But I appreciate him attempting to keep me company.

People file in and out of the downstairs area as time goes by. At one point, Yuta and Lia go upstairs together. Someone lights a blunt and eventually the whole basement smells of pot.

"Sichengie!" Lucas shouts from across the space. "Get over here, cutie."

I instantly feel uncomfortable at his comment, but I go over to where he sits anyway. Taeyong is sitting next to Lucas on the ground, leaning back against the couch. I sit across from him. Lucas hands me a bag of cookies.

"Eat up, boy," he says in a high pitched voice. Taeyong and I exchange looks, both of us unamused. I open the bag anyway and take a cookie. Lucas reaches out to me, begging for them back.

I bite at the treat as Lucas tells everyone to be quiet. "I think," he says with that obnoxious voice of his. "We should play truth or dare."

Everyone laughs at his suggestion. Lucas attempts to back up his arguments by saying, "whoever picks a truth has to chug." Once he suggests that, people get more intrigued. Eventually, Taeyong is being dared to massage Lucas' feet for the next round. We all laugh as Lucas lets out suggestive noises every two seconds.

"Doyoung. Truth or dare." Taeyong looks behind him where Doyoung rests on the couch. He gives a confused appearance.

"Truth," he says with an exasperated tone. He goes over to the cooler at the other side of basement, grabs a full beer, then begins chugging it. Taeyong rolls his eyes.

The game goes on for what feels like forever, and it seems I'm the only one who hasn't been asked the dreaded question. Deep down, I'm thankful. The last thing I want is to have to do something such as rubbing Lucas' feet. But eventually, my name is called, and by a voice I hate. I despise.

"Sicheng," Jaehyun says with a smirk. "Truth or dare?"

When all eyes are on me, my heart starts to pound. I tell myself to do whatever he asks, no matter what it is. I don't want him to see me as this weak-link he assumes me to be.

I tell him, "dare."

He raises his eyebrows and lets out a slow laugh. I tighten my jaw and wait for the words to come out of that damned mouth of his.

"Kiss the most good looking person. In this room."

Now, my heart just about explodes. My mind wanders in all different directions as I think of what to do. Run off and look like a wuss to Jaehyun? Or just suck it up and kiss a girl?

Instead, I crawl across to where Taeyong sits and pull his face close to mine. I quickly, but still passionately, press my lips onto his. He barely kisses back, but I continue at it anyway. My tongue finds its way to his own, and God, it feels good.

Lucas screams. At the top of his lungs. Everyone else stays silent. I look at Taeyong, and his face scares me. Before I can blink an eye, Taeyong pushes me back and runs upstairs. Mark eventually follows, then Taeil, and then Johnny. I just sit there like an idiot.

"Nice work," Jaehyun laughs as he walks upstairs.

Lucas shoves me in the knee. "Damn boy! You can kiss alright."

I swat his hand away before quickly running back upstairs. Taeyong is no where to be found, until I hear the front door slam behind Mark.

"Great job, dude. Great fucking job. This is the first time in ten years I've ever seen Taeyong cry. So congratulations. Quite the boyfriend you are." He gets really up close in my face before walking away. My chest starts to heave, and my head falls into a pit of discombobulated thoughts. Mark goes back outside once Johnny and Taeil come back inside. I run to the front porch where Taeyong sits.

"Taeyong, I'm sorry, I don't know—"

"Get out, dude," Mark says quietly.

"No, Taeyong. Please I'm sorry, I'll fix this, I promise. I don't know why I did that, Taeyong, please talk to me, I'm sorry, I..."

Taeyong doesn't turn around once. He doesn't even move.

Taeil comes outside.

"Come on, Sicheng. Let's go," he says calmly, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I look to him, then at Taeyong, then Mark. The crack in my heart grows bigger and bigger when the realization hits me.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

I wake up with the feeling of Taeyong stuck in my brain. Parts of me miss him that I didn't know could have those feelings. My lips that he kissed. My waist he loved to hold. All of me misses him. 

Sitting here with Jinhyuck and his new guy doesn't help. I wish I had someone to introduce everyone to. I thought I would—Taeyong only needed time. But I needed him, and I ruined it.

I continue sending him stupid messages I know he won't bother answering. Jinhyuck scolds me for texting multiple times, but I can't help it. I can't let Taeyong think I don't hate myself for what I did. I can't let him feel bad.

"So, Sicheng," Jinhyuck says, grabbing my attention again. "Tell Sam about nationals. In 2009. Remember?"

I pick at the food on the plate with my fork, and the more I stare at it, the more unappetizing it looks. Everything seems just so  _bad._ Jinhyuck. His new guy.  _Samuel_. Jaehyun's existence. My own existence. It all sucks.

"Oh, yeah." I set my fork down. "I had a solo that year. It qualified at nationals and I won the finals. It was a good year for dance."

Samuel nods in approval. Jinhyuck gives him a look. A look that says,  _thank you, good job._ I can't imagine the things Jinhyuck has told Sam about me. About the past. About what a mess I became.

"That's great, Sicheng."

I smile small before standing up and throwing my food into the garbage. I set my plate in the sink, and when I look to the stove, I remember cooking for Taeyong. Hearing him chop up vegetables behind me. Dancing with him in the living room. My heart twists into a painful knot, and tears pinch in my eyes. I manage to choke them back. I won't cry, not again.

As I begin to walk back upstairs, Jinhyuck calls for me to come back. I roll my eyes before taking a seat again at the table.

"Talk to us," Jinhyuck comments in a light-hearted tone, but I know behind it, he's upset. I purse my lips and lean back into my chair.

"About what."

Silence envelopes the room. I stare at Jinhyuck. He exchanges looks between Sam and I. I lick my lips as I take a sip of the water left in the glass in front of me.

"We're thinking about marraige."

My eyes widen as the words leave Jinhyuck's mouth. I set down the glass, swallowing hard. I look at both of them, my eyebrows furrowed and my jaw clenched. Jinhyuck lets out a sigh as he and Sam exchange glances.

Instead of saying something impulsive and dumb, I just go upstairs. And I ignore when Jinhyuck calls me back downstairs again.

My fists want to punch something. My eyes want to cry. My heart wants to break. I look at the frames lining the wall of my bedroom. I take one off the wall—I'm only six years old in the photo. I'm in between Jinhyuck and my dad, we all lay on our stomachs, and we're all smiling. The image makes my heart race. Biting my lip snd squinting my eyes, I chuck the frame across the room. It hits my closet door with a loud crash, and I jump back. My chest rises and falls as I stare at the broken glass.

I leave the mess.

Crawling into bed, I turn the music up on my phone as loud as possible. Taking deep breaths, I lay myself down and look up at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry, dad."


	15. Chapter Fifteen

A month passes, being completely alone, watching Jinhyuck grow happier with Sam and Taeyong stray further from me. Every single day, I text him, leave him voicemails, try talking to him in the halls. He always walks away before I can even get a word out to him.

Taeil is the only person I talk to, however, even he acts a bit strange around me. I understand, though. The guys still care for him. He doesn't want to lose friends just because I fucked things up with them.

School becomes almost exactly like homeschool. No communication with anyone. Only thinking about wanting friends to take my mind off the chaos going on. Wishing things were normal again, like Jinhyuck and my dad being together.

I go into the cafeteria with hopes of finding Taeil. All I really want to do is talk to someone, and I'd prefer it be him. He  _is_  the only person who seems to care for my existence.

I catch him before the space is completely packed with students. However, Jaehyun and Mark are sitting right across from Taeil. For a moment, I contemplate running off and just avoiding them altogether. But I don't want to seem even  _more_  of a wuss to them. Jaehyun especially.

As I make my way towards Taeil, my heart starts beating in odd patterns. I ignore the sensation.  _Just tap him on the shoulder, motion him out of the room._

"Hey," I say, my voice shaking. Taeil turns around to look at me. He gives me a small but uneasy grin as he exchanges looks with the other guys at the table. "Can we talk?" I ask him.

He nods and slowly stands up. Jaehyun gives me a foul glare before grimacing. My blood boils.

"Is there a problem?" I say with a louder tone as I walk over to where Jaehyun sits. My voice suddenly isn't so shaky anymore. I genuinely want to make Jaehyun feel so much pain, he won't remember his stupidity afterward. And maybe then he'd be a decent human.

"Excuse me?" he says absent-mindedly. I swallow hard.

"Yes, you. Why are you such an ass? Really. I just want to know what crawled up your ass to make you so fucking inconsiderate."

Jaehyun scoffs and lets out a chuckle. I don't laugh at all. I just stand there, right in front of him, waiting for him to really, truly give me an answer. Answers to who made him so bothered, and why he felt the need to ruin things. The precious thing I had with Taeyong, that is now history because of him.

Jaehyun stands up from the table. More eyes are drawn to us. I look him straight in his eyes, just to show him I'm not afraid of him. Not anymore.

"Nothing crawled up  _my_ ass. I don't know about you, though."

I breathe in deeply. "Go to hell, Jaehyun."

He shoves me in the chest. I let out a noise of struggle as I try to get balanced on my feet again.

"You're the one who needs to go to hell. Faggot."

With that, I punch Jaehyun straight in the face. My knuckles hit his teeth, and I wince as I shake out the hand that collides with his face. Blood begins to surface at the skin on my hand, but before I can wipe it away, my whole body collapses and my head hits the concrete. Hard.

He throws punches at my face, each one hurting more than the last. My chest aches the more I try to fight back, whether it be kicking him in the stomach or swatting his hands off the collar of my t-shirt. Everywhere I try to find control in, Jaehyun goes at. The minute I breathe in, he swings into my stomach, making me cough. My neck starts to tighten when he hits me right in the throat. My breathing comes to a halt when Yuta finally manages to get Jaehyun off of me. I groan as I roll over onto my side, trying to breathe through the pain running throughout my body.

"What the fuck!" Taeil yells at him. Eventually, one of the women working the lunch line settles things and tells the kids who watched me get defaced to leave the area. Jaehyun runs off to God knows where. I look for someone—anyone—to help me. The only one who stays after the rest are dismissed, is Taeil.

"Hey, bud. Let's get up. You need help," Taeil says as he pulls me over so I'm laying on my back again. It feels as though a bomb full of painful elements blows up through whole body.  "You're bleeding real bad."

I groan, and my throat feels as if it's gushing blood. I can almost feel my organs throbbing as Taeil helps me sit up. I wince, and I don't bother holding back tears. They're not just tears of pain, but of anger. Anger towards everyone—Jinhyuck and his stupid marraige, Jaehyun and his arrogant personality, but mostly, myself. My compulsive, ignorant self.

Taeil tries to get me to stand, but as soon as I'm on my feet, my legs give out. I fall back on my knees, but Taeil keeps me from completely collapsing on the cement. Some people standing nearby try to help, but nothing works. Taeil tries picking me up, but I just lay down and cry. I can't feel anything. My legs are all shaky, my arms feel like they weigh a hundred pounds each, and my stomach hurts to the point where I feel no sensation at all.

"Sicheng, you gotta walk. Just to the office. We'll go slow, alright? I've got you," Taeil says as he wraps his arm under my shoulders. He helps me stand again, and I stay standing. A random girl helps by taking the side that Taeil isn't holding up. I wish I could thank them, but I can't speak, nor do I want to.

Once we make it to the clinic, Taeil is escorted out and it's just me and the nurse. She goes away at cleaning off the small cuts from the ring Jaehyun wore on his finger. The liquid she puts on them hurts like hell, but I can't scream, so I just let the tears roll instead. She doesn't bother touching the bruises.

"Just ice the bruises until the pain starts subsiding. Get some painkillers, too. You might need a day home or two," she instructs. Taeil walks back into the room and kneels next to the cot I lay on.

"M'aam, he can't talk. His throat got punched," Taeil says in a quiet yet serious tone. She purses her lips.

"If you still are hurting to this extent, you should get into the ER. I don't know what I can do."

Taeil rolls his eyes once she leaves. I start crying again. Like, really crying. Everything hurts. But mostly, those things Jaehyun said hurt. Not having Taeyong hurts. Not having Yuta hurts. Not having my dad hurts.

Taeil strokes his hand on my forehead, then combs his hands through my hair. "Can you believe, out of the ten years that I've known you, this is the first time I've seen you cry?"

I know he's trying to lighten the mood, but I can't show any sort of reaction. Simply breathing hurts.

"He's not worth your tears, Sicheng. No one is. Don't let him get to you," Taeil says quietly. His voice is calming, it almost makes the pain less intense.

"That word—" I croak. "What he said fucking sucks. It sucks."

"And he's gonna get what he deserves. They already called him down. And if they don't make things equal, I will. I promise."

Taeil stays next to me until Jinhyuck picks me up. I realize, even if the world does hate me, it doesn't matter as long as I have Taeil.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

I'm called into the principal's office. Outside, Taeyong waits in silence. He looks down at his feet and bounces one of his legs. The look on his face is so confused, but also so hurt. If only I could wipe that look off his face.

Inside, Jaehyun sits in one of the chairs in front of the desk. He leans back in the stool, arms crossed. He doesn't look at me. And I don't look at him.

"It seems you two need to say some apologies," the principal says sternly. I can hear Jaehyun rolling his eyes. "We do not and will not tolerate violence in this school. Understand?"

I nod as I look down at my feet. Jaehyun lets out a deep sigh. "Are we done now?" he asks.

The principal closes his eyes while swallowing hard. "Say your apologies. Then you're dismissed."

I keep my head down.

"Sorry for giving you what you deserve. Have a nice life."

And with that, Jaehyun leaves, slamming the door behind him. The sound is so loud that I jolt in my seat. My heart pounds faster for a little, then eventually calms down once again. I look back at the principal, and I can tell he's deep in thought, trying to think of something logical yet polite to say. I wish it was my counselor I'd be talking to—she was the one who knew all the issues with my family, and the one who understood. 

"Jaehyun won't be in school. For a while," he explains. Those words come as a relief, for seeing Jaehyun one more time would make me sick to my stomach. "But, I'm afraid I need to give you detention. For the remainder of the marking period."

The whole fucking marking period. Thats another five weeks. I take in a sharp breath as I try to think of ways to get out of it, and how I'm supposed to tell Jinhyuck. 

"You're dismissed. Go back to class."

The rest of the day drags on slower than ever. I barely stay awake through my classes. People stare at me. Whether it be because my face looks much different than it did just a few hours ago, or because I'm just the laughing stock of the building for getting destroyed by Jung Jaehyun—they all stare.

At the end of the day, Jinhyuck gets out of the car before I can even begin to open the door to the passenger's seat. 

"What the hell happened to you?" he yells, his voice full of anger, but also concern and worry. He grabs onto my shoulders, but I back up and pull away from his grasp. "You need to start talking. Now."

I get in the car. Jinhyuck stands outside for a moment, just staring at me. I look ahead at the building, watching kids laugh and talk with one another as they walk off and get in their cars. I feel envious of them all. 

Jinhyuck gets back in the car and begins driving. "If you don't tell me what's going on right now, Sicheng, I swear to God—"

"I don't want to talk about it," I interrupt him. He looks over at me. His face is disgusted.

"Are you getting bullied? How long has it gone on? Are Taeil and Yuta not—"

"No, and no. I'm fine. Just take me home."

And he does just that. When we arrive to the house, he slams the door so hard, it makes me jump. He goes into his bedroom, and I do the same. But I'm not alone for very long. Jinhyuck barges in again ten minutes later. I try to ignore his words, but it's hard when he's screaming at me.

"Who did this," he asks first.

"Jung Jaehyun."

"Why. Why did he need to hurt you."

"He has problems."

Jinhyuck crosses his arms, looking up at the ceiling. I bite my lip. 

"Alright. And where were Taeil and Yuta and Taeyong during all this? Are you just not talking to them? I just want to know what the hell happened," he pleads in a quieter voice this time.

"Taeyong and Yuta aren't talking to me. Taeil helped me," I explain. My voice is shaking out of fear. Pure fear of what Jinhyuck was going to say to me next. And how I'd react. In this moment, I felt like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at any moment. But I hold back.

"Who started this?" His voice is completely blank, totally monotone. It scares me.

"I did."

Jinhyuck runs a hand through his hair and lets out a deep breath. He paces in a circle, and I know he's searching deep down for words. Words that won't break me. That won't break him. "I don't know what to do anymore. You're lost, Sicheng. You don't think I know what you and that group of yours do every night? You don't think I know Taeyong gets you high all the time? And now you're getting into fights at school? Jesus Christ, I—"

He wipes his eyes. I don't know if he's trying not to cry, or if yelling has given him a complete headache. I know I'm trying to control both those things for myself.

"I'm sorry," I mumble.

He exhales quickly. "What for, exactly? Because if it's just about this fight, then you have a lot more to apologize for. How about you apologize for not calling me dad since you were nine years old. That was nearly a decade ago. Maybe you don't realize how much that hurts, but it does." 

Jinhyuck breaks down in tears. And I just sit there on my bed, clueless, looking like a deer in headlights. I grip onto the hem of my t-shirt, trying to control any tears from surfacing at my eyes.

"I hope you realize what today is. Quite considerate of you to do all this today."

And with that, he leaves, slamming the door behind him. Hard. I let out a deep breath as I hang my head low, burying my upper half into my knees. I bite the nail on my thumb, thinking of how horrible I am. In this very moment, my least favorite person in the world isn't Jaehyun or Yuta or any of them. It's Dong Sicheng.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

I walk outside in the cold, goosebumps rising on my skin as the chilly air washes over me. My heart is racing, eyes stinging. I can't bear to look at Jinhyuck, or even sit in the same house as him, or look at the pictures on my wall. The photos that mean nothing now. So I take the car and drive away, only ten minutes away to Taeil's house. As I drive there, I continue to check my phone, as if someone were going to message me. Hoping, praying, that maybe Taeyong would come through. To no avail, there's nothing. I bite down hard on my lip.

Once I get to Taeil's home, I lightly knock on the door. My knuckles hurt too bad from throwing fists at Jaehyun to make any loud impact on the structure. His mother answers the door, and greets me with the polite grin she always wears. She welcomes me inside, and I go up to Taeil's room. 

He's sitting at his desk on his laptop, also writing in a notebook. Once I close the door, he turns his attention towards me. I stand awkwardly near the entryway. He drops his pencil and shuts his computer. He can tell immediately something's off.

"What's going on? Did Jaehyun do something again?" he asks as he walks closer to me. I shift my glance from the carpet over to my left. Tears form, and they form fast. He moves his body to meet my eyes. I look up at him before passing him, sitting down on his bed. "Sicheng. Talk, please."

I bite on the fingernail of my thumb, trying to choke back any cries from escaping. Tears only run down my face quicker, though. Taeil sits down next to me and moves the pillows and blanket so that we sit more comfortably. I cover my face as he attempts to pull me further onto the mattress. I let my body collapse into his arms as I let out the held-in sobs. My chest aches as they come and go, the sores on my body from the earlier fight seem to hurt worse. Taeil keeps his hand stroking the length of my back softly. He eventually lifts up my body, pulling my hands away from my face to wipe my cheeks.

"I don't know what to do," I exhale. "With Taeyong. With Jinhyuck. With myself. I just, I ruined it all, I don't know what the fuck to do." 

Taking in a sharp breath, I let my head fall back into my hands. Taeil gently puts a hand on my shoulder, stroking the area with his fingers. My mind races, thinking about Taeyong. His face when I kissed him. How he used to smile, but all it took was a few guys watching to ruin it all. To turn that smile into a face full of fear. I think about Jinhyuck, how angry and disappointed he is. I, the last thing he has left, let him down. 

Then, his face enters my mind. The last face I wish to think about. My dad, and the smile he gave me that night before he left. How fake it must have been. The last kiss he gave me the night before when he said goodnight. Having to say goodbye just three days later as I watched him be put to rest. Jinhyuck sobbing the entire week. And all I could do, was just  _be._

"You're okay. It's okay," Taeil says warmly. My sobs have become lesser, and I finally begin to catch my breath. My eyes are swollen more than they've ever been. I can't seem to make out any of the posters up on Taeil's wall, or any of the objects laying around. It's all blurry and double. Even Taeil's face, which is just inches from mine. 

I wipe under my eyes. "It's not fucking okay. If I weren't so fucking dumb—"

"No. No, you're not dumb. Don't even think about that."

I bite down on my lip before speaking again. "But everything. Everything is ruined. All of it. Every single thing. My dad, Jinhyuck, Taeyong, Yuta, every fucking thing."

My words come out fast and barely audible. Taeil lets out a deep breath. I know he's already tired of hearing me complain. He's sick of seeing me cry so much. I don't blame him. 

"None of them deserved it. It should have been me. All of it," more tears fall. "My dad. It should have been me." 

Taeil holds me again as I let out another sharp cry. "No, Sicheng. Don't ever say that. Ever. After all that's happened, you're still here, the world is still turning. You're gonna be okay. Just hold onto hope, okay?" 

As his arms wrap around me, I feel only worse. Taeyong used to hold me like this. The night I was upset and he took me to his bed to show me fake constellations, only I couldn't see. He just wanted to distract me. Help me forget about everything. And I—I outed him. I ruined things for him. I took something so important away from him that he can't get back. 

I feel Taeil's skin around me, only beginning to feel more comfortable. I burrow my head on his shoulders, and he doesn't flinch or move. He's just there. Taeyong used to be like that. He'd just exist with me.

When Taeil starts moving his hand along my back, I lift my head up again. His eyes meet mine, and I can't seem to catch my breath for a moment. I remember looking at Taeyong like this. I remember always kissing him afterward. And he'd hold me, and I'd tell him I love him. He'd wait a while to say it back.

Taeil opens his mouth to speak, but I only stop him from speaking when I press my lips onto his. I don't know why I do it—but I like it. He barely kisses back, but I don't care. He doesn't try to pull away. He doesn't push me off. So I keep close.

When I finally stop, he keeps his eyes closed. His hands suddenly aren't touching me anymore. He moves back away. His hand brushes over his eyes, then his mouth. The look on his face is almost just as bad as Taeyong's on New Year's. Taeil's eyes meet mine again, and it's hard to read his expression. 

"I-I'm sorry," I say before my eyes fill up again. I quickly get up from the bed, running out of his room. Once I get down to the main floor, I can hear Taeil's footsteps following behind me. He calls my name, but I'm already outside before he can get to me. I struggle to unlock the car door, and by now, Taeil has reached the point where I'm standing. Tears continue falling like waterfalls, and I can barely breathe. 

Taeil steals the car keys from my hand. I swat at his arms. "Tell me you'll be safe, and I'll give these back."

I rest my head on the top of the car. A pounding sensation pulses throughout my head as I try to keep myself from crying any longer in front of him. "I'll be fine. I swear, okay? Just let me go, please." I grab the keys from his hand, and he gives me a certain look. A look that says,  _I don't want to, but I can't bear to look at you._

So I unlock the car, and I leave. I drive far from his house. And I don't look back. I don't know where I'm going, but, I go.


	18. Chapter Eightteen

My heart races as the city lights flash by. I go on autopilot with the driving, for my mind is too boggled to even think about how much I push down on the gas and which way I turn the steering wheel. Soon, I end up on the expressway, where I'm able to go faster and more free. My phone lights up every two seconds with messages from Taeil. I contemplate pulling over and answering him, just to get him to stop, but I don't. I continue driving.

The tears have stopped forming, but my eyes are still blurry and my cheeks are still wet. I replay the look on Taeil's face. Nearly the same as Taeyong's on New Year's. If looks could kill, I'd be dead. Dead from heartbreak.

I get back into the city where there's traffic lights and intersections. I shift in my seat, looking over at my phone. It's ringing. It's Jinhyuck. I think, I should answer him, but I don't. Taeil calls a minute later. My jaw clenches as I think about how Taeil most likely told Jinhyuck something—something he didn't have to. Something that would only make everything that has happened in the past six years completely worse.

Once my fingers cramp up from holding onto the wheel so hard, I pull in front of a small strip of stores and businesses. I'm the only one here. Barely anybody walks on the sidewalks. The sun has already gone down, it's nearly completely dark out. Nothing casts light in the atmosphere but the street lamps lining the sidewalk.

I tuck my knees into my chest, letting them rest against the steering wheel. I bite on my thumb, trying to make sense of the thoughts and images replaying throughout my head. My eyes will occasionally move to where my phone sits in the cup holder, watching the phone calls and texts come and go. At one point, Taeil calls for the fifth time, and I simply block his number.

I look around the car. It's old and worn out. Jinhyuck only uses it the few times a week he leaves the house, but it's still filled with his things. There's a photo of me from fifth grade in a small frame propped up on the dashboard.

I look at the time. Nine o'clock. I've sat here for twenty minutes, trying to figure out what I could possibly do. I can't run. I can't go live somewhere far off by myself for however long. It's not like I can simply ask Taeyong to crash at his place. I can't just barge back into my own house as if nothing even happened with Jinhyuck.

I'm just too lost.

My phone rings again. It's not Taeil, not Jinhyuck. It's Taeyong.

I grab my phone, my hands shaking as I hold it tightly in my grip. I don't answer the call. I just watch his name blink continuously on the screen, a picture I took of him one night we spent together displays in the background. He's smiling extra wide, because I had told him to. His eyes are shut tight and his cheeks are bright pink. My heart sinks when the screen turns black.

The pounding in my chest only accelerates as my phone lights up again. There's a voicemail from Taeyong. I contemplate opening it, because I don't know what hearing his voice will do to me.

"Sicheng, please answer me. I'm so scared. Taeil called me, he sounded so scared, please just—I care about you. Please, be safe. I need to know you're alright. You can come over, you can—I don't know, just, I need to know you're okay. Please answer me."

My eyes shut tight, heart clenching in my chest, lungs filling up with air as I inhale sharply. I let my phone fall into my lap as I rest my head on the steering wheel. My eyes blurry from tears, I look up from my lap. The street is empty, only the logos of the stores light up each building. I take a deep breath before I open my phone to text Taeyong.

**_By the bar on fifth street_ **

I wait. I shiver as I rest my head on the wheel, taking in slow but shaky breaths. My arms hug each other as I try to keep warm, legs shaking underneath the dashboard. My eyes close, burning as the tears try to make way through my eyelids, but can't. My phone buzzes a few times, but I ignore it. When cars pass by, I lift my head up for a split second. I hope for them to be Taeyong, or someone—anyone. But they all keep going.

Once it's been too long to cope, I get out of the car. I walk down the dim and lonely streets. This is the more janky part of town, where the inside of the stores and the signs on the exterior aren't as nice as they are further east. I don't bother going somewhere nice. I end up in an alley near the expressway, and I hear a few voices from further down. They seem to be young voices. 

As I pass them, they seem to quiet down. I don't glance at them or anything. I just keep going in my unknown direction. I come to a halt, though, when a low and raspy voice calls for me.

"Hey," he shouts. "Where you headed?"

I turn around, slowly approaching the few people sitting against the wall of the next building. I make sure to keep my head low, that way they can't see the red in my eyes.

"I don't know," I answer. My voice is quiet and cracks a bit. I know they can tell I've been a wreck. 

"Are you lost?" another asks. The boy has his arm wrapped around another, and they're holding each other close. Suddenly, I feel a lot more comfortable. As I get closer to the group, I notice just how young they all are. Definitely younger than me. 

I chuckle before speaking as I sit down on the gravel. "Depends on what you mean by lost."

The boy next to me is tall and lanky—even from just his sitting position I can tell. He has a perfect face. Symmetrical and everything. He gives me a polite look before handing me a can of beer. I crack it open without hesitating. The two boys who were cuddling up to each other look at each other longingly as they pass a cigarette with each other. They look so in love. I wish I had that. I wish Taeyong could look at me the way soulmates do. That's what the two kids look like—fucking soulmates. 

Silence takes over the area, only the sound of the gravel beneath our bodies moving around as we shift uncomfortably. My eyes burn as cars occasionally drive down the bumpy road. I wipe my cheeks as the remaining tears make their way out of their ducts. I continue drinking, and eventually I grab a flask from one of the guys, drinking it whole. It doesn't necessarily taste good, but I chug it down anyway. The buzz it gives me feels much better than the pure sting in my eyes and ache in my chest.

It gets late. The others are real intoxicated now, but I still have some of my vision and I can keep my head from getting too dizzy. However, when a police car starts trudging down the alleyway, I seem to be shocked out of my drunkenness. I throw the bottle I had been sipping on down the alley before standing up. I wobble a bit, but I lean against the wall to get my balance again.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. Go! Run!" the one who had been hitting the cigarette shouts at the rest of us. I look over at the empty part of the alley where I had entered from, and I slowly make my way down before going into a full sprint. My hair flies back as the wind blows against my body. It's still freezing outside, and my nose and ears start to go numb. My eyes burn even more as the cold air blows into them. 

I turn the corner where I'm back out onto the street. It's still vacant and dark. I stumble over my feet as I try to find the car. It's too dark, and I can't see well enough. At one point, I trip over my own feet, hard on the concrete. My face scrapes against the cement, the spots Jaehyun hit not long ago pulsing with pain. The palms of my hands start to bleed, along with the scab from Jaehyun's fists that hasn't healed. My head pulses with pain. 

After a moment, I catch my breath. Once I hear the police sirens sounding off, I try my best to get back up onto my feet. I press the random buttons on my car keys, and I hear the horns go off as I press the unlock button. I follow the sound, eventually getting back to the car. My heart pounds as I try to open the door, but it doesn't budge. I yank on the handle. Hard. So hard my palms gush more blood. I pull harder and with more force as I hear running footsteps approaching. Then a voice following.

"Sicheng, stop." 

They get closer, and louder. I pull harder, and press more buttons. Nothing works. I start sobbing again.

"It won't fucking open," I scream. Once the person wraps their arms around my waist tightly, I start swinging my arms and kicking to break free from the grasp. I don't have to clear my vision to know who it is.

"Sicheng, give me your keys. Now," Taeyong demands in a low voice. I stop fussing. I fall to the ground, the keys hitting the ground. My head hits the door of the car as I collapse onto the concrete. Taeyong grabs the keys and puts them in his pocket before pulling me into his embrace. He wraps an arm around my legs, pulling me closer to him. 

"Come on, let's get home, okay?" he says before picking me up with his arms beneath my shoulders. Once he gets me standing again, another figure makes its way towards us. I look over, and I know the shape of his body. Taeil puts an arm around my torso while Taeyong holds my hand. Tight.

Taeyong helps me into the back of the car while Taeil gets into the driver's seat. I have no energy to really cry at this point. I just let Taeyong take control of my body—he holds me in his lap, wrapping me into a blanket sitting on the floor of the car. It's warm, but not as warm as his arms that are wrapped around my body, keeping me close to him. Taeil starts driving. Taeyong holds me tighter once Taeil goes faster. He's crying in my shoulder.

"Don't fucking scare me like that ever again," he sobs. "I can't watch you hurt, Sicheng."


	19. Chapter Nineteen

The tile sits cold beneath my feet as Taeyong helps clean my palms and my face. He rubs some clear liquid over the cuts on my hands with a towel, the brownish-red wearing off on the cloth. The feeling stings, but he quickly places an ice pack over the wounds to numb it.

He rolls up my pants past my knees to check on the scrapes. Nothing but what would look like a rug burn.

He checks the cut on my forehead. It's dried up now, but it still hurts. Taeyong brushes back my hair before rubbing a cotton-swab over the laceration. I wince, and he stops. He's looking at me. But he won't talk. The queasy feeling in my stomach only grows more and more intense the more time passes. My body aches, and my eyes can't seem to stay open. I start to fall forward, but Taeyong grabs my shoulders.

"How much did you drink?" he asks with that quiet voice of his. The voice he uses when he's scared.

I fall onto the floor. He quickly grabs my torso to help me sit up again. I push him away as I feel my stomach grumbling. Then, I just throw up right there in the toilet. I hear Taeyong curse under his breath. My lungs struggle to catch air as I dry heave. Coughs come out faster than I can bear. A sharp pain shoots through my chest, I can't keep myself up anymore. I lean against the sink, closing my eyes as I slowly slide down onto the ground. Taeyong grabs another cloth, wetting it under the sink before placing it over my forehead. I feel the sweat form all over me—my face, neck, back, legs, arms.

"Let me get you into bed, okay?" Taeyong whispers as he brushes a hand over my forehead. I try to nod, but my head is too heavy.

He picks me up in a secure position, struggling to carry me over across the hallway to his room. He does it anyway, though, dropping me at the end of his bed. I let myself fall onto my back, rolling over onto my side. I take deep and quick breaths.

"Sicheng, can you get under the sheets?"

I swallow hard, the taste of bile causing me to grimace. I attempt to move my body to where the duvet begins, but my arms are too tingly and my legs feel too heavy. Taeyong eventually helps. He covers my legs with the blanket and adjusts the pillows.

"You're sweating a lot," he comments as he moves his hands to the hem of my t-shirt. He moves my arms in order to get the clothing off my body. Once the shirt is off and my back is exposed, Taeyong takes the cold washcloth, wiping down my spine. The coldness of the fabric feels good against my skin, but more-so his hand that grazes over me along with it.

Once my torso is clear of sweat, I lay down against the pillows. Taeyong covers me with the comforter. I turn over onto my side as I keep my gaze on Taeyong. He slowly grabs onto my hand, holding my fingers tight. I want him to kiss my knuckles, but he doesn't. He just kneels there next to me, not speaking, not moving.

"Do you still love me?" I ask him. The silence only becomes more intense once the words leave my mouth. I can't really tell where Taeyong is looking, for there's still a slight blur to my vision, but I know he hates me for asking something like that.

"I don't know."

My eyes sting again. I roll over onto the other side, just so I don't have to look at him anymore. I hear him sigh as he lets go of my hand.

I take in a shaky breath.

"Sicheng," he speaks. "Please look at me."

I shut my eyes tighter. Taeyong rests his head on the mattress.

"I do love you. A lot," he starts. I hear him let out a stifled sigh. He sniffles, and I know he's crying. "I just need time, Sicheng. I think you do too. What we had, it just all blew up at the wrong time. It's nothing on you. I just want you to get better."

My heart sinks to my stomach. Taeyong grabs my shoulder, gently pulling me back to his direction. I bite on my lip, avoiding his eyes. I know if I look into them once more, I'd break down again.

"Please say something," he begs with a shaky voice. I swallow hard.

"I just don't know how I can get better," I begin, my words barely audible, "when I lost you. And Jinhyuck. And Yuta. My dad, my fucking dad, who would be here if I weren't such a fucking coward."

Taeyong takes my hand again.

"You haven't lost me. I just need to find myself before I can get back to you. I can't help you breathe if I can't do it myself, okay?" he reassures. I move my eyes. He looks at me, for the first time in a while. The way he did long ago. The way he did all those nights at the park and in this very spot on his bed. Only those times, he didn't look so scarred.

My eyelids start to fall heavier and heavier the more the seconds pass. Taeyong notices, and he turns on another lamp that sits on his nightstand. When he turns out the main light, the constellations light up the ceiling.

"Goodnight, Sicheng."

He leaves, and I look up. I wonder if I'll ever be able to see the stars, with or without Taeyong.


	20. Chapter Twenty

The sky is clear. No clouds, no sun either. Kind of like my head. At this point, everything is just blank. Bland. Numb.

I wait on the porch of Taeyong's home for Taeil's car to come around and get me. The air is cool as it surrounds my skin. I let my eyes wander the area as cars occasionally go to and fro down the street. I notice how most of the houses look the same. Even Taeyong's. But, they weren't. The one I sit before shelters the person _I_ had always found shelter in. But a hurricane had hit, and now, I'm homeless.

The front door creaks as Taeyong steps outside. I don't move to look at him. I think seeing his face again would completely break me.

He takes a seat next to me while letting out a deep breath. I know he's looking at me. I don't have to move my gaze to know his eyes are solemn and his lips are frowning.

"I called Jinhyuck," he says. I let out a sigh. "I told him you were going to Taeil's. He said it was fine, but he wants you home tomorrow."

I bite down on my lip as I tuck my legs into my chest. I let my head fall into my knees, thinking about what exactly I could say to Jinhyuck to make him forgive me. Forgive me for being the worst kid in the universe. Forgive me for making him feel invalid for the past decade.

"Take care of yourself," he says after a long moment of silence. I look down at the cement sidewalk that stretches out to the driveway. I stand up and begin to walk down it once Taeil pulls on the side of the road. I don't look back, for I don't want to remember the look that I know is plastered across Taeyong's face.

I get into the passenger's seat of the car, Taeil turning down the volume of the radio. He immediately takes my hand, holding it tighter than ever. I feel okay looking at him, so I do. I meet his gaze, and he doesn't look at me like I'm an alien, or a monster, or a broken doll. He looks at me like I'm Dong Sicheng. The Sicheng he's always known.

He doesn't say a word. He just begins the drive to his house. I look out the window, watching the buildings and cars flash by. They all look perfect on the outside, it's not like I can see inside the people who own them. I don't know their vices and their virtues. But I do know that I'd rather live their lives than my own.

Taeil pulls into the driveway, and it takes me a moment to register the fact that I'd be staying here. With Taeil. Only a day after I had kissed him in this very house.

Once we're inside, he immediately leads us up to his bedroom. He doesn't speak until we go inside, and I stand at the doorway, while he sits down on the bed.

"Sicheng, come lay down. Taeyong says you were sick."

I slowly walk over to where he sits. The energy between us is utterly awkward, and I don't know what to do to break it. I just look down at my feet as I chew on my lip.

"I'm sorry I kissed you," I say out-of-the-blue. My heart begins to pound as I anticipate what Taeil is going to say to me next. But, he doesn't say anything. He just moves closer to me and takes my hand. He laces his fingers between mine, resting his head on my shoulder.

"Please, don't apologize." He picks up his head, moving his gaze to the side of my face. I shift uncomfortably in my position, not sure whether Taeil is this close to me because he wants to be, or if he thinks it's what I want.

My eyes meet his. He lets go of my hand, moving it to my back. He strokes up and down the length of my spine, causing goosebumps to form all over my body. His hand leaves my back and enters the area of my face. He lightly brushes his fingers over the bruises and small cuts along my cheek and forehead. For the first time, the wounds don't hurt.

"Sicheng," Taeil breathes. "Will you make it up to me?"

My heart thuds in my chest so hard that it hurts. I don't care what he wants from me, I just want him to be okay. I want us both to forget everything that has happened. I want the image of me, covered in tears, to be completely erased from his mind. I just want my best friend back, and I know he wants the same.

"What," I mumble. "I'll do anything."

Taeil moves his eyes from me to the ground. He lets out an exasperated sigh, chuckling to himself. His hands leave my body. "No, never mind. You need some rest, here, let me get some fresh clothes for you—"

"Taeil, come on," I beg him as he stands up to go to his closet. He rumages through the drawers and hangers, completely ignoring my voice. I let out a sigh. "You can trust me. You know that."

He pulls out a sweatshirt and some basketball shorts. He folds them up neatly before placing them on my lap. I give him a certain look—one that says, _what are you hiding. Tell me, now._

He sits down next to me against the pillows on the end of the bed. I set the clothes next to me.

"I know how vulnerable you are right now, but I just want you to know that I don't think Taeyong is a good person. Not for you," he explains. I furrow my eyebrows, confused by his words. "It just hurts to watch you with him, sometimes. Because I love you."

I run a hand through my hair, closing my eyes tight. I don't know what he means. He tells me he loves me all the time, and always has. It's because he's family to me. Family loves family. But I know that's not what he feels, and it's not what he means when the words leave his lips.

"I just want you to be happy," Taeil adds. I lift my head up, looking over at him. I breathe in a shaky breath before taking the clothes from the bed. Walking to the bathroom, I process the things Taeil said. As I quickly change into the clothes, my mind spirals.

_Taeyong isn't good for you._

_It hurts to watch you with him._

_I love you._

I can't figure out what it all means.

I look into the mirror, inspecting the large gash across my forehead and temple. My cheeks are yellow from the bruises. My lips are chapped and dry. My eyes look like those of a corpse. I wipe them harshly with the palms of my hands, a burning sensation pulsing through my head. I exit the bathroom, going back into Taeil's room, only to find him laying down in his bed. I lay next to him.

"Are you tired?" he asks me after a small moment of silence. I look up at the ceiling, my eyelids drooping more and more every second. I let out a deep breath before turning my head towards Taeil.

"I don't know." He purses his lips. "I'm too numb to really know anything."

Taeil lets out a deep breath as I look back up at the ceiling. He reaches for my hand, and I begin shaking. He grips onto my fingers and turns onto his side to where he's facing me. I look down at our hands, and suddenly, I don't feel so sick anymore. I don't feel afraid. The heavy thoughts of Taeyong and Jinhyuck and my dad seem to evaporate. I squeeze his hand.

"It's okay," Taeil comforts. He moves his body up next to mine, resting his head on my chest. I wrap my arm around his shoulders.

And we lay there. Not saying a word, just staring off into oblivion, yet staying in each other's company. Eventually, my body begins to release from its tension, slowly falling asleep. Taeil catches me, however, by patting my chest.

"You should eat something. You look flushed," he comments. I sit up, his body moving with mine. He places a hand on my cheek, brushing his fingers over the area surrounding my eyes. He brings his hand down to my neck, caressing his fingers slowly over my skin. I get a rush of goosebumps down my arms and legs. I begin to zone out, so much I don't realize he's kissing my neck.

I place a hand on his back, moving up and down the length of his torso. His lips find mine, and he kisses me gently and slowly. I don't seem to be fazed by the feeling of his mouth on mine. Something about it felt natural, normal. Comfortable. So I kiss him back. And I don't think about it twice.

I run a hand through his hair, his curls making my fingers tingle. His body is light on mine. Everything about Taeil is just so _weightless_. I don't know how it could be, but everything about him is angelic. The way his voice sounds as words leave his mouth. The way his arms move as he touches my body. I seem to fall deeper and deeper into his spell, because before I know it, I'm pulling his t-shirt over his head, and he does the same to mine. 

His hand grips onto my waist as he kisses me deeper. As much as my body is trembling, at the same time, I feel release. His touches along my face and my torso seem to make the nerves calm, but also go ballistic at the same time. And I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's love. I don't know if it's guilt. My head is too numb to know anything.

"H-hey," I mutter as he places kisses along my jaw. He looks up at me, his eyes full of concern. He looks sorry. I don't want him to be sorry. "Can we just...I don't know."

Taeil looks down to where my hand rests. He grabs it, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. The knuckles Taeyong used to always kiss. My heart aches as it beats.

"I love you, Sicheng." He brushes a piece of hair away from my forehead. "I love you when you're happy, when you're hurting," he breathes, "and when you love someone else." 

Taeil bites his lip. I let go of his hand, my eyes welling up again. "Taeil, I—"

"This doesn't have to mean anything. You deserve time. You deserve to get better. So, this does not have to mean anything. Nothing. Not until you know what you're feeling. Okay?" 

I blink away the tears that form in my eyes. Taeil kisses my cheek before laying down on his back. I look over at him, and he's smiling. He always seems to be. Through the past six months where he had to watch me be happy with Taeyong. He still was always smiling.

I curl up next to him, burrowing my head in his shoulder.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

Taeil doesn't let go of my hand the entire ride to my house. I don't think he's holding it just because we made out with each other and slept in the same bed. He's holding my hand because he knows that if he doesn't, it won't stop shaking. My heart feels like it's twisted up in my chest the closer we get to the house. I don't want to see Jinhyuck. I don't want to see how broken he is. I don't want to look disappointment in the eye again.

Taeil pulls up next to the grass before my house. I grab my jacket from the floor of the car before undoing my seat belt.

"I can go with you," Taeil offers. I look at him, and his face hurts me to look at. I hate when he hurts _for_ me. I swallow hard, letting out a breath.

"No, it's okay," I stammer. "Text me, okay?"

He puts his hand on my forearm, keeping me from leaving the car. "You know," Taeil starts, "we're going up to our cabin next week during break. You're more than welcome to come with us. I know being here isn't good for you."

I give him a small grin. He leans in to kiss me, and just this once, I give into it. I let myself feel love for him.

"Bye Taeil."

He keeps his hand on my arm for as long as he can. He doesn't drive away until I make my way up to the front door step. I wave to him, gesturing for him to go.

My hand trembles as I turn the door knob. As soon as there's a slight crack in the doorway, the sound of the washing machine running and TV playing fills my ears. It sounds like home. However, this place feels far from it.

I put my jacket on the hanger near the door, quietly walking through the house. Eventually, Jinhyuck walks out of the laundry room, holding a basket of towels. I don't move. I don't speak. I just stand there, and I let him take control of the situation. He slowly looks at me, pursing his lips, eyes scanning up and down my body. The marks on my face from the fight with Jaehyun don't seem to faze him at all. Me being broken just seems normal to him at this point.

"Taeyong said you wanted me home today," I say without any sort of tone in my voice. Jinhyuck sets the basket down next to the stairs before walking towards me. "Here I am."

Jinhyuck puts his hand behind me head, running his fingers through my hair. He pulls me into his embrace before wrapping his arms around me. I don't move. I just let him hold me. He doesn't speak, he doesn't move. He barely even breathes. After a long moment, I slowly wrap my arms around his waist.

"I'm so sorry," Jinhyuck finally speaks. "Don't ever scare me like that again. Please."

I pull away from him, looking down at the floor. Guilt builds up inside me, making my chest tighten and my breathing unsteady. My hands quiver at the sides of my body. I shove my hands in my pockets. Jinhyuck's eyes start to glisten, and my heart only clenches more. I hate it when he cries.

"I'm gonna go clean up," I breathe as I shove my hands in my pockets. Jinhyuck nods as I walk past him and up the stairs.

"I love you," he calls after me. I keep walking. I eventually reach the bathroom, where I begin to take off my clothes. I look in the mirror as I brush through my tangled hair, and the bruises on my stomach and the side of my body look even worse than they did before. They were a deep yellow color, but now they're blue and black. I run my fingers over them, slowly pressing down. They really don't hurt. Taeil's touches seemed to cure the pain.

My hands, however, are still a bit red and patchy from the fall I took out on the streets. They're more irritated than before, but the cuts are scabbing over. I run my hands under the shower head before getting in completely. The warm water feels relaxing and comforting as it envelops my skin. I don't necessarily wash myself, but just stand there, leaning up against the wall, letting my muscles calm down and the wounds heal themselves. The mental wounds only seems to get deeper as my mind drifts.

I think about the feeling of being in Taeyong's arms, secure, safe. I think about Taeil and his voice, his lips, his touch. My heart has gone through too much aching, it feels as though it just dissipates inside my chest.

 


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

My heart skips a beat as Taeil's hands touch mine. He wraps his arms around me, resting his chin on my shoulder. I chuckle as I grab my backpack from the trunk of his mom's mini van. He releases me from his hold, only to put his arm around my shoulder.

"Thank you," Taeil says as we walk towards the front door of the house. We're surrounded completely by trees, the sounds of only the birds in the trees and the waves upon the lake in the distance filling our ears. The sounds are rather calming, along with the feeling of Taeil's lips against my cheek. I chuckle as he nuzzles his head into my neck.

Taeil leads me into the house, which is full of old antique furniture and objects. As strange as most people would think of the place, something about it all just _works_. The wooden furniture against the old wallpaper that covers the surface of the walls seems to go together perfectly.

Just like the way my hand fits in Taeil's as he drags me up the stairs to the bedrooms. He opens the door to the room furthest down the hall, where there sits two full-sized beds, along with a large vanity. Taeil throws himself onto the bed next to the large window. I sit down at the end of the mattress, placing a hand on the calf of his leg.

"What's the plan for today?" I ask him with a subtle smirk. Taeil squints his eyes at me before sitting up.

Taeil exhales a sigh, putting his chin on my shoulder. "Whatever you want," he says. "I can show you the nature. We can swim. We can do _other_ stuff."

I place a hand on Taeil's waist, pulling him closer. He kisses my cheek tenderly as he tightens his arms around my body. I chuckle as he buries his head deeper into my shoulder.

"How about all of the above?" I say quietly. A small grin forms on Taeil's face, eventually turning into a burst of laughter. He stands up, taking my hands in his, pulling me behind him. I enjoy seeing the smile on his face. I enjoy watching him enjoy himself. And knowing he's happy showing me around, only makes me more warm inside.

* * *

The sun begins to set as Taeil walks down the wooden dock, nearing the deeper parts of the lake. We spent the entire day walking around downtown. My feet seem to lose all sense of tension and soreness once we dip our legs into the cool waters. Taeil puts his hand over mine.

"Can you believe we're gonna be graduating in less than two months?" he says quietly as he looks out into the horizon. The mixture of the oranges and yellows and blues illuminating on his face accentuate his features. I hook my arm around his, leaning into his side. "It seems like just yesterday, I was starting high school without my best friend."

I purse my lips as I take in his words. He turns his head towards me, setting his other hand on my knee. 

"I wonder how different I would be," I start, my voice cracking in between syllables. "If it all never happened."

Taeil moves the hand resting on my leg to my hand. He grips it tight, moving his thumb over the back of my hand. I look down at our intertwined fingers. Taeil kisses the back of my hand softly before doing the same at the top of my head. 

"You got through it, though." We meet gazes. "I knew you would."

I smile as I chuckle to myself. "I couldn't have done it without you."

Taeil shakes his head. "You could have. You can take on the world now." 

In that moment, I don't want any more words. I don't want to hear them, I don't want to speak them. I want to just _be._ With Taeil. My best friend.

I lift my head from his shoulder, giving him a thankful expression. I don't have to say anything for him to know what I'm feeling, just by the look on my face. He understands. He always has.

After a long, few minutes of silence, just looking at the sunset, Taeil takes off his sweatshirt before standing up from the dock. He reaches out his hand, gesturing for me to stand up too. He grabs the hem of my t-shirt, pulling it over my head. He grabs my hand tightly. 

"Let's swim," he says with a smile. Then, he starts running ahead into the lake, dragging me along behind him. We jump in the freezing water. We're submerged in the blue, and Taeil is still holding my hand.

As I bring my head above the surface, my skin goes numb from the cool air. I push my hair back and out of my face as Taeil lets out a small squeal. I know he's cold. I laugh as he swims towards me, wrapping his arms around my waist in a hug. I let out a groan as I hug him back. He lets out a short chuckle before inhaling a sharp breath. He picks his head up, leaning in to kiss me. I let him do it how he wants. Gentle, and soft. 

He stares at me once he pulls away. My expressionless face seems to worry him. 

"Sicheng," he shudders. I meet my gaze with his. He looks at me the way he does when I'm upset. My heart skips a beat.

I bite my lip before letting go of Taeil's body. "We should get out. It's cold."

I pull myself up onto the berth, grabbing my shirt from the surface. Taeil eventually follows my actions. We walk side by side back into the house, leaving the night sky behind us.

* * *

My eyes begin to close slowly as my body sinks further into the mattress beneath me. The sound of the shower water running in the connected bathroom makes the rest of the world disappear. My mind doesn't wander, my hands don't shake. I finally feel okay. I feel safe.

Then, my phone begins to ring.

I sit up, reaching towards the nightstand where my phone rests. I pick it up as my eyes begin to clear up and adjust again. It's Taeyong. Seeing his picture on the screen causes all the air in my lungs to evaporate. My heart begins to pound. My body starts sweating. I swallow hard before answering.

"Hey," he says with relief. I place my free hand behind my neck, trying to catch my breath. 

"Hi." I start to shake. I hear him take in a sharp breath.

"Are you okay?" 

Taeil walks out of the bathroom. I glance at him, and he has a confused look on his face. I ignore it. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay."

There's silence. I don't have to be there with Taeyong to know the look on his face. 

"I care about you," he stutters. "I want you to know that. Remember that."

I feel my heart tremble in my chest. Something washes over me—an urge that hurts to resist. I want Taeyong. I want his arms around me and his lips on mine and his hair between my fingers. I want his voice in my ears and his breath on my skin. 

I clench my jaw as Taeyong starts talking again. 

"I came out to my family. All of them. Cousins and grandparents and everything," he begins. I widen my eyes, my mind going places it shouldn't think about visiting. I think about him introducing me to them all. I think about us spending holidays together. Only, that is never going to happen. Not anymore. "I'm happy now. Like there's a huge weight off my shoulders."

I smile. I don't realize it, but I truly, genuinely, smile. "That's so good. I'm really proud of you."

Across the room, Taeil looks down at the ground as he sits on the bed. I turn the volume down on my phone, afraid for him to hear Taeyong's voice on the other end.

"Yeah. It's _really_ good."

I stay quiet. So does Taeyong. All I hear is his breathing, and it sounds so familiar, it's almost like he's here next to me. Only, he's not.

"I just wanted to tell you that. I think you care most, so."

"Of course I do."

I lay down on my back again, trying to keep my grinning to a minimum. Taeil pulls the covers off of his bed, getting comfortable beneath them. He lays on his side, facing away from me. My heart starts beating really fast again.

"Thanks, Sicheng. I hope you're doing better," Taeyong says sincerely. "Goodnight."

And he hangs up.

I go to sleep with my mind all over the place.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

Things between Jinhyuck and I are still rocky. I can never tell when he's on the fence or when he's feeling more open-minded than normal. He acts as though nothing happened, which I guess I'm thankful about in a way, but the wall between us is still standing strong.

Sam comes over almost every day. Some days, he stays overnight, and I have to make him and Jinhyuck breakfast. I wouldn't mind it if it were my real dad. Not this stranger I barely know.

Today, though, it's just Jinhyuck and I. He tells me he wants to have a father-son date like we used to do when my real dad was around. The three of us would go on small day trips to different cities, exploring the different areas and their nature and architecture and food. We'd always take a picture in front of the city limit sign, then we would hang them up on a wall in the laundry room. It was halfway full, and then the pictures stopped. When my dad was gone, we didn't think there was a reason to go anywhere anymore.

Jinhyuck turns the radio down as I get into the front seat. He begins driving away as soon as I'm buckled up. He looks over at me every now and then as he takes the most dreaded route we could ever take. But we both need this. We both know it, too.

He grabs my hand as we get close to the destination. For the first time in what feels like awhile, my heart isn't pounding out of my ribcage. I feel okay. Sure, my chest aches, but I don't feel unsafe or weary because of it.

Jinhyuck grabs my hand after he parks the car and steps outside. He squeezes it tight, then letting go and putting his arm around my shoulders. He kisses the side of my face as we walk into the cemetery. He holds my shoulder tight, making sure I'm always as close to him as possible. I don't resist. I know he needs me. I need him too.

He doesn't need to think twice about where exactly to go. I just follow his footsteps, moving along with him as he walks. I don't look up from my feet, for I'm afraid that if I do, the breath will be stolen completely from my lungs. And I really need to breathe.

We don't speak. We barely even move. We just stare, keeping all the horrendous thoughts inside our heads. I want to look at Jinhyuck, but I'm afraid.

After a few minutes, he sits on the cool grass. I watch him as he rests his head in his hands. My eyes begin to burn, but I don't allow any tears to show. I just sit next to Jinhyuck, my hand on his back, keeping his conscience here with me. I don't want him to think he's alone.

I look at his name on the large rock. I brush my finger over the letters embossed in the sediment. My lungs take in a harsh breath, and Jinhyuck lifts his head up. His eyes are red, but he doesn't look like he's hurting. It seems like for the first time, he's gotten closure. He's okay. He looks over at me, kissing my head before pulling me into his side.

He swallows before beginning to speak.

"I called Aimee."

I pull away from him, giving him a confused look.

"She asked you to come in this week. She misses you. I think you miss her too," Jinhyuck elaborates. I don't know what to think, or what to feel. But the smile that forms on my face seems to clear up the confusion for both of us. I let out a stifled chuckle, Jinhyuck pulling me back into his arms. I want to tell him thank you, but I can't seem to find the words.

"She wants to see you," Jinhyuck says quietly, "because she got you an audition. For Joffrey, and Juilliard."

I can't resist my jaw from dropping. Jinhyuck lets out a noise of excitement as he grabs my hand. My heart starts to thud as I imagine even thinking about schools such as those. Years ago, I dreamt about getting to dance in front of such prestigious professors. Every time I would step onstage for something as small as just a dress rehearsal, I'd imagine the judges Juilliard would hire sitting out in the audience. For years, I wanted this more than anything. And now, after years of rest from dance, I was still getting it.

"Wow," I exhale. "I don't know what to say. I mean, I don't even know if I can still—"

"You can, Sicheng." Jinhyuck runs his hand over my hair, looking at me like I'm the most important thing in the world. "Start saying yes to yourself."

I touch the grass beneath us, slowly touching the letters on the stone again. "I'm doing it, dad." I inhale deeply, my chest shaking as I try my hardest to hold back tears. They seem to be stronger than I am, and they pour out like rain. "You said, someday I can be the Nutcracker. Or even just the King Mouse. But you would be proud, and now, I'm doing it."

Jinhyuck smiles wide as he pulls me into a hug. I hold him tight, letting my tears fall out at their own pace. Jinhyuck squeezes me tighter the more the seconds pass.

"I'm so proud of you," he says into my ear. "Your father is too. I love you, Sicheng. To the moon and back."

My heart falls to my stomach. Those words, Jinhyuck and my dad used to say to me every night before bed. Hearing them leave his lips again makes me ache.

"I love you too."


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

It was in fourth hour when Taeil decided last-minute to ask me to prom. He didn’t do it in an extravagant way, though, like most couples do. Maybe because he knew we weren’t a couple. Just buddies. With benefits.

He put the neon-green sticky note in the pocket of my jacket. It simply said,  **_prom registration packets are due tomorrow. We should go._ **

I sent it back to him by shoving the paper in his hoodie. He noticed it had fallen out as he went to stand up. The bell continues to drone through the halls, signaling the end of class. Taeil frowned when he read the giant  **_NO_ ** I had wrote on the back. I gave him a smirk as he glared at me with a deadly gaze. 

While he was off the walls about renting a tux and corsage, I couldn’t care less. Everyday, he asked me about our plan for the magical night, and I would tell him what I know he wanted to hear. But all he seemed to want was to make me happy, but I couldn’t make that happen, not when I knew I was hurting him. He wanted me, and I was somewhere far away. 

Taeil shows up to my house already dressed and ready, holding the corsages for us in a plastic container. His mom stands behind him, holding a rather large and professional-looking camera in her hands. He has a big smile plastered on his face. He looks utterly handsome standing there in the doorway, the sunlight beaming behind him. 

“Why aren’t you dressed?” he asks as he sets the container on the kitchen table. I grimace as Taeil puts his hands on my shoulders. “Come on, let’s get you ready.” 

We go upstairs into my bedroom, where the tuxedo is hung up on the back of the door. Taeil grins as he takes it off the hook, disassembling the blazer from the shirt and the tie. I undress, and he helps button up the shirt as I try to figure out the tie. He moves his gaze up to me every second or so, and he’s always smiling. Eyes sparkling. I try and ask myself if I’m making a mistake by letting him go, not loving him back. 

“Taeil,” I say, breaking the silence in the air. He looks at me with concern as he fixes my vest. “When you said that this...us...meant nothing, did you really mean  _ that? _ ”

Taeil stays quiet for a long moment. I know he’s thinking. He’s trying to come up with an answer that won’t hurt me, and won’t hurt him. He purses his lips before going on. “I want you to feel comfortable. I don’t know where your heart is. But you should know that whatever you decide, I still love you. Even just as friends.”

I take in a deep breath. 

“I think we should keep things...you know,” I begin. He fixes the cuffs of the jacket as I think hard about what comes out of my mouth next. “Normal.”

He looks up at me. “Me too.”

Taeil starts working on the tie.

“So, just buddies?” I ask.

“Buddies. With benefits.”

“Yes, with benefits.”

We both smile. He takes my hand, leading the way back to the downstairs area. Jinhyuck and Taeil’s mom chat each other up. Samuel shows up after a while, and introduces himself to Taeil and his mom. I keep a fake smile up for him, and Jinhyuck. I notice the ring on his finger, and my heart seems to break a little. The idea of another father-figure living in the house, that  _ isn’t  _ my real dad, seems incredibly odd to me. Taeil notices my change in mood, because he constantly gives me a reassuring look and will grab my hand.

Once the time comes where we have to leave, Taeil grabs the corsages from the table. He struggles to get his on, and I have to help him. He keeps his eyes on me the entire time. I know he wants to kiss me, even just my cheek. But he doesn’t. Because we’re friends. Just buds.

Taeil drives us to the venue, which is just a small country club center. There’s limos at the event, girls and boys going in and out of the building wearing their finest dresses and suits. Taeil and I seem to blend right in, for everyone looks just about the same. That was the one nice thing about prom. As long as you had a dress or a suit, you were fine. No one has to stare at you or call you out for your questionable taste in clothing. Everyone can just  _ exist. _

We walk into the building holding hands. I don’t like the looks we get, but I like the feeling of being secure with Taeil. He seems to be able to ignore the stares, especially the ones from Yuta and Jaehyun and their group. He gives my fingers a squeeze when he can tell that I’m uneasy. 

The music is just loud enough for me to barely hear the words coming out of Taeil’s mouth when he stands right next to me. For a while, we just sit quietly as we munch on the stale and flavorless snacks they offer. I look out at the dance floor, where girls are grinding all over boys and the outcasts dance their hearts out on the sidelines. My eyes meet another boy’s gaze, and he stops his dancing as soon as we make eye contact. I look away as soon as he begins walking towards Taeil and I.

“Hey!” he shouts, grabbing Taeil’s attention. I keep my head looking the opposite way. The boy sets his hands on my shoulders, causing me to jump in my seat. I slowly turn around, and I notice another guy coming towards us. “You’re the boy from the alley. Remember us?”

I chuckle with relief as I put the pieces together. I grimace before speaking. “Yeah, sorry, I just—”

“He was crying, remember? It’s not like he could see us. Plus, we got him drunk,” the other boy shouts from behind. I try to ignore the several eyes his voice seems to draw. “Come dance with us.”

Taeil and I exchange looks. He nods towards the group at the other end of the room, gesturing for us to go. He grabs my hand, pulling me out of my chair, following the other guys. I let out a quiet groan, but Taeil seems to hear, for he looks behind me with a death glare. I roll my eyes.

I immediately recognize the guys in the group. I see the ones that were cuddling together. They dance together, laughing and placing kisses on each other’s faces. I feel envious as I watch them. Taeil notices, of course, pulling me towards him and wrapping his arms around my waist. I put my hands on his shoulders. 

“What are your names?” shouts the boy who pulled us over. I introduce myself and Taeil to him and the rest of his friends, and they all seem to remember me. I feel slightly embarrassed, but at the same time, comfortable. They don’t seem to be bothered by my presence. I eventually figure out most of their names as well. The guy who invited us to dance with them introduced himself as  _ “Chittaphon, but call me Ten.”  _ The lovebugs were Jaemin and Jeno. Ten, in fact, is the only one in the group who’s actually a senior. The rest are sophomores and juniors. But Ten doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.

Once dancing gets boring, we all decide to eat. My appetite seemed to vanish as soon as I entered the building, so I just sit and talk to some of the guys. The youngest is Jisung, and as soon as we begin talking, he only rants on and on about how much he  _ doesn’t  _ want to be here. He tells me he’s here for his best friend, Chenle. Sounds too familiar.

Jaemin feeds Jeno his ice cream. This feisty guy sitting across from them, called Donghyuck, tells them to quit the PDA. Taeil talks to the quiet one, named Jungwoo. All I could hear in their conversation was Taeil yelling at him to talk louder. Meanwhile, I stare over towards the drink bar, where Taeyong stands by himself. His hair slicked back. Suit looking sharp. Eyes wandering the dancefloor. For a fleeting moment, we make eye contact. I look away, but I still feel his gaze on me. I fidget with my fingernails to make myself look busy. 

After a few seconds, he’s still looking in my direction, so I get up and walk out of the convention room and into the lobby. My breathing quickens, and my stomach starts doing flips. I find a small sofa to sit on. Sitting only makes me feel worse.

People come and go as time passes. I contemplate calling Jinhyuck, for being here only seems to be a waste of my time. I’d surely rather be home, watching Netflix and eating cereal straight out of the box, than here. Watching Jaemin and Jeno love up on each other. Watching Taeyong stand alone when I could be next to him. 

I can hear they’re announcing the winners of prom king and queen. More people begin filing out, for people don’t seem to care much about prom when there isn’t dancing and loud music happening. Taeil eventually comes out, heading straight towards me. He sits next to me, staring ahead at the space. I know there’s something he needs to say.

“He’s been watching you all night,” Taeil says quietly. I clench my jaw as I look over at Taeil. His head hangs low. “Go, Sicheng. It’s okay.”

I place my hand on his knee. He looks up at me, and he’s smiling. Of course. 

I wrap my arms tightly around his body, holding him close. He hugs me back. I take in the feeling of him body so close to mine, thinking about every centimeter of my skin he touches. Once I let him loose, he places a firm kiss on my cheek. I grin before smacking him in the arm and getting up from my seat. 

Inside the main room, people have gone back to mingling around and drinking and such. There seems to be a smaller amount of people inside, for the space seems quieter and more roomy. I look around for a sign of Taeyong, but no luck. I manage to catch Yuta and his girlfriend making out in a corner of the room. The couples that dance on the main floor are also kissing or feeling each other up. As I scan my eyes over them, I feel bad for the teachers chaperoning that have no choice but to watch. 

I walk over to the drink table and get a cup of some clear bubbly liquid. It tastes like stale off-brand Sprite as it runs down my throat. I grimace as I walk over to the garbage bin, dumping the cup into the trash.

“Gross stuff, isn’t it.”

I turn around, and Taeyong is pouring himself a glass of water. I chuckle, trying to mask my nervousness. That uneasy feeling in my stomach comes back, and it comes back stronger than it’s ever been. Just seeing Taeyong here, dressed all dapper and nice, is enough to make my nerves go ballistic.

We both stay quiet, just standing around, Taeyong drinking from his cup. I keep my eyes on the ground. My mind thinks about what Taeil is thinking, feeling, doing. Maybe he left with Ten and his friends. A surge of guilt fills my head. I feel like crying as I think about the heartache Taeil is probably feeling— _ has  _ felt the past several months. I try putting myself in his shoes. I imagine someone else with Taeyong. Someone else, getting to touch him and kiss him the way I once did. Getting to know his deepest and darkest secrets. Being able to make him laugh and make him smile. Just simply imagining it makes my chest begin to tighten up. 

I blink hard as I lift my head up, looking out across the space. More people seem to be leaving as the minutes go by. However, Taeyong doesn’t. He stays here, next to me, because he knows that I’m lonely and I want him. I want to feel his arms on me again and his lips on mine.  _ I  _ want to be able to touch him and kiss him.  _ I  _ want to hear his secrets and  _ I  _ want to make him smile. I want to be his. 

My tired body seems to wake up as soon as the next song begins to play. I slowly smile as I notice that  _ Blue  _ by Troye Sivan blares through the speakers. Taeyong looks at me with an intrigued grin.

“This is only like,” I exhale as I meet eyes with Taeyong. “My favorite song in the world.”

Taeyong sets his cup down on the table behind us. He holds his hand out towards me. “Let’s go dance, then.”

I pause in my place for a moment, staring at Taeyong’s hand just beneath my eyes. He reaches down for my hand, taking my fingers and holding them gently. He gives me a reassuring look, one that seems to enchant me, for I can’t seem to look away from him. As he leads me out to where people—mostly couples—are dancing, I watch his every move. The swift steps he takes. His eyes that scan every end of the room. Those eyes, that out of everyone in the world, seem to only find me. 

“Are you sure you—“ 

“Yeah,” Taeyong interrupts. He grins reassuringly, putting his arms around my waist and pulling me close. “No more hiding.”

I smile as I put my arms around his neck.

_ I want you to color me blue, anything it takes to make you stay.  _

Taeyong keeps his eyes glued on me, meanwhile, I can’t seem to keep my gaze on him for more than seconds at a time. He looks too good here under the colorful lights. My heart will just completely stop if keep my eyes on him for too long. 

As the song goes into the second verse, Taeyong wraps his arms tighter around me. I look at him with concern. He just pulls me closer. Swaying to the slow pace of the song, I rest my head on his shoulder. Taeyong starts slowly caressing my back as I close my eyes. 

_ I fell in love with a heart that beats so slow. _

I feel Taeyong’s neck move as he looks down at me. I open my eyes to find him looking at me admirably. By the look on his face, I know there’s things he needs to say. I lift my head up from his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” I ask. 

Taeyong nods. “I’ve never been better.”

I grin, and he does the same. I stroke his hair, and god, the expression on his face makes me want to collapse to the ground. He’s so fucking perfect. And the fact that he’s staring at me as if I’m the only person in the room only makes me weaker. Not that I thought it could ever happen, but I fall more in love with him. 

_ Only seeing myself when I’m looking up at you. _

My heart beats faster and faster the more the seconds pass. Taeyong can’t seem to remove his sight from my being, and I can’t seem to stay calm around him. I mess with the collar of his blazer, I stroke the back of his head. He grabs my hands in attempt to stop me from fidgeting around. I laugh in embarrassment. Taeyong just smiles at me. Then, he hugs me, still swaying our bodies from foot to foot. He has an arm wrapped securely around my shoulders and the other on my lower back. I rest my head in his shoulder. Words aren’t required for me to know that this is Taeyong’s way of saying he’s sorry. Sorry for not being able to fix himself when I was broken. Not being able to be the one kissing me and touching me when things went wrong. But, I don’t want him apologizing. Not for things he can’t control. 

I pull out of his embrace. The atmosphere becomes quieter as the song moves into the bridge. Taeyong looks at me with concern. My heartbeat begins to accelerate, for I don’t know if Taeyong wants what I want. I don’t know if kissing him right now would ruin things again. I don’t know if his hugs are just pity hugs, or if he really just wants him around me. 

I walk away, leaving him in the middle of the dancefloor. I wipe my sweaty palms on the front of the vest of my suit. I bite down on my lip as I hear Taeyong call my name. 

“Sicheng,” he says more quietly once he reaches my location, which is right in front of the exit to the lobby. “Sicheng, don’t go, please.”

Turning around, I meet Taeyong’s eyes. He doesn’t move. He just stands there, looking beautiful. 

“I don’t think I should be here, I should go.”

_ I want you, I’ll color me blue, anything it takes to make you stay. _

The music drowns out as I exit the room, making my way through the lobby. I hear Taeyong’s footsteps following behind me, but I don’t slow down for him. I’d rather stay here, alone, than risk hurting him again. The last thing I want to happen is for Taeyong to feel ashamed of himself because of my mistakes.

As I walk outside, I pull out my phone to text Jinhyuck. However, I can’t finish sending the message, because Taeyong interrupts me.

“Sicheng, I know you’re scared, but you don’t have to be. It’s all okay—”

“You’ve said that before, Taeyong. And look what happened.”

He sighs. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

I clench my jaw, trying to make sense of the things Taeyong says. I can’t seem to understand. Sitting on the bench in front of the parking lot, I run my hands through my hair. Taeyong, of course, follows and sits next to me. I turn towards him. He still has the same expression on his face—worried. Scared. Sorry.

“Please,” Taeyong breathes. “Things are okay now. I said,  _ no more hiding. _ ” 

He puts a hand on my back, slowly wrapping it completely around my shoulders. I lean into his side as he pulls me closer. 

“I just don’t want to hurt you again.”

Taeyong sighs. “You never did.” 

He grabs my hand, standing up and nodding towards the parking lot. I stand up behind him as he leads the way to his car. I hold his hand tight, keeping close. 

Taeyong drives carefully and slowly. I watch as the mixture of the red and green lights shine upon his perfect skin. His mouth sits in a straight line, the edges curled up just a little. His fingers wrap around the wheel lightly, tapping along with the tempo of the turn signal. Once he gets into my neighborhood, he looks over at me every couple of seconds. Probably to see that I’m still awake. I smile small everytime our eyes meet. 

He parks in front of my house, but I’m hesitant to leave Taeyong. Something about his energy tells me that he’s guilty. Sad. 

“Hey,” I say as I reach over to grab his hand. “Can you stay?”

Taeyong nods.

Inside, the house is quiet and still. It’s only a half hour until midnight, so I assume Jinhyuck is already fast asleep. I begin to loosen the tie around my neck as Taeyong and I make our way upstairs and into my bedroom. I let out a deep sigh as I begin to disassemble the suit from my body. Starting with the jacket, then the vest, and finally, just unbuttoning a few snaps of the shirt. Taeyong stands in front of the door as he scans the room. I realize how long it’s been since he’s even stepped inside the house. 

“Guess I’ll be keeping this,” I say as I put the stray tux-parts back up on its hanger. “Jinhyuck’s getting married.”

Taeyong joins me as I sit down on my bed. I look at the suit as it hangs up in the closet. Taeyong puts a hand on my knee. “God, I’m sorry Sicheng. That must be weird.”

“You can say that again,” I chuckle. Taeyong smiles. I like the way his grin looks on his face, those buggy eyes that seem to light up as soon as his mouth curled up into a smile. Not until this moment did I realize how much I have truly missed him. Just his energy, his presence. Being around him is enough to lift my spirits. If only I could feel him the way I used to, have him love me like he did. 

Taeyong looks at the ground. I look at him. His hand has left my knee, and I feel myself ache for his touch. So I grab ahold of his hand, lacing our fingers. I kiss his knuckles. Our eyes meet, and I get that rush of adrenaline throughout my body again. I let go of his hand, sneaking mine to the small of his back. With my other arm, I pull him closer. His eyes stay glued on mine, while I stare at his lips. His hand makes its way to my face. 

“You want this?” I say as quiet as possible. I look up at Taeyong’s gaze. 

“Yeah,” he answers while nodding. His fingers on my neck make my shiver in my skin. His piercing glare seems to make me completely weak, for now, I’m lying down on my back and he’s right on top of me. I run my fingers through his hair as he kisses my neck. My heartbeat goes ballistic, an uncontrollable smile forming on my face. I thought I missed Taeyong enough, but now, with him here and touching me, I need him more than ever.

Taeyong’s lips softly press against my cheek as I shift beneath his body. I take off his jacket and vest. He relaxes his body sinking further into me. I smile as he lifts his head to meet my eyes. 

“Is it too late to tell you how handsome you look?” Taeyong whispers as he unbuttoned my shirt. I don’t respond. I just stare at him, waiting for him to finally kiss me. Grabbing ahold of the tie around his neck, I start undoing it, pulling his face down to mine. He pauses in his place, only his head moving. Then, finally, we kiss, and it’s a kiss good enough to make up for the months where he was afraid to kiss me. Afraid to see me. And I was afraid to hurt him by loving him. 

“It’s never too late,” I answer as he pulls away. “Not with you.”

Taeyong grins. And he presses his lips onto mine again with passion, love. I pull the tie off his neck and take off the dress-shirt. Wrapping my arms around his torso, he manages to get the last button apart on my shirt. His lips find my collarbone, each peck making my heart race faster.

As I inhale a deep breath, Taeyong works to undo the belt around my hips. Caught by surprise, I grab his hands, and he looks at me with  _ that  _ look. The look to make my heart fall to the pit of my stomach.

Not sure exactly what to say, I lay there, mouth open, body frozen. Taeyong looks like he could cry. I don’t want him to cry. The last thing I could ever want, is for him to cry. 

“Just,” I mutter. “Just kiss me. Okay?”

Taeyong nods, arms wrapping around me as he picks me up to sit in his lap. I stroke the strands of silky hair behind his ears. Our eyes cross paths, and once they do, we can’t seem to look away. Not even to close them for a kiss. I look at Taeyong. I see his hurt, and I see his happiness. I see the heartache I know we both have felt for too long. I see beauty. But I also see flaws. I see all of him. And I love all of him. 

My breathing comes to a halt as my fingers brush along the frame of Taeyong’s face. His hands move about the surface of my back. When he wraps his arms securely around me, I let my body relax into his. My arms find their way around his shoulders. I embrace him tightly, resting my head on his chest. I remember this feeling. The racing heart, uneven breathing, uncontrollable smile. The velvety skin on mine. Lee Taeyong, here, deciding that I, Dong Sicheng, am the one he loves. 

  
  



	25. Chapter Twenty Five

My legs become more and more numb the longer I stand on relevè. My fingertips lay gently onto the barre, my free arm held out to the side. As my right leg rises to a passe position, I inhale a deep breath. I can feel my muscles tighten the longer I stay in the position, and they seem to give out completely as soon as I take my hand off the barre. I collapse on the ground, leaning my back against the wall, inhaling and exhaling sharp breaths.

"Don't overwork yourself," Aimee says as she kneels in front of me. I look up at her, discouraged.

"I don't know if I can do it anymore. It's been just too long," I explain as she hands me a water bottle. I take small sips until half the bottle is empty.

Aimee lets out a sigh as she sits on the floor. "You can, Sicheng. It's never too late. Especially when you're as talented as you are."

I give her a small smile, masking how badly I feel like giving up. I've already sweat through the shirt I wear, my legs feel like gelatin, and my head is as light as a feather. Only thing is, I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to give up on her, when all these years, she hasn't given up on me.

"I've been teaching you dance since you could talk. I know you, and I know you can do this. They want you. I'd be shocked if you don't get a scholarship, at least."

I look down at the floor, which is marked up by the various ballet and tap shoes that have grazed upon it. Inhaling deep, I begin to stand up again. I stretch out the different muscles about my legs—calves, hamstrings, quads—just to get some sense of feeling back in them. Aimee walks over to the speakers, scrolling through her phone to get a song playing.

"You remember the _Cosmic Railway_ routine?" she asks as I run a hand through my hair. The song begins to play over the speakers, the melody on the guitar filling my ears. I immediately feel the nostalgia rush over me as the song progresses. The last solo I had ever performed was to this song. I was undefeated that season, always getting the highest score in my age group for every competition. I remember begging my dad to take work off to come watch me. He never missed a performance.

"Barely." I bite on my lips. The sound of the music building up makes my heart race. I'm brought back into a time where everything was perfect—I was at my peak when it came to dance. I thought my family was happy. I was happy. I had been the most content, just simply getting to wake up each and every day. It was utopia compared to now.

As the song progresses, the movements from the routine I did years ago become clearer in my head. I mark the steps under my feet, holding back any emotion from showing through. For a small moment, I feel like I'm the person I was back then. My dad would be waiting just outside the studio to take me home. Yuta would come and support me at performances. I had shoulders to lean on, only I didn't need to. Because everything was perfect and as they should be.

Once the chorus comes in, the whole dance seems to enter back into my mind again. Now, fully moving, I continue on with the routine. _Développé, chaîne, side-aerial_. It's not as smooth as it used to be, but I'm able to go through with it. I move into the next section which consists of mostly pierouéttes and fouettés. The technique all seems to apply automatically—straight knees, pointed toes, engaged core.

I'm able to complete the entire routine all naturally, not thinking about the next move twice. Aimee doesn't speak once the song comes to an end. I'm out of breath, only my rapid inhales and exhales filling the room with sound. I don't realize how sweaty I am until I place my hands on my hips, my shirt sticking to my skin.

Aimee starts towards me. She stands before me, pleasant expression on her face. "You're gonna get in with flying colors, Sicheng. Ever since you stepped in my ballet class ten years ago, I knew you'd be here someday."

I smile as we hug. Her arms hold me tight as I rest my chin on her shoulder.

"Thank you," I say. "For believing in me."


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

My legs shake as I stand on the side of the stage. I wait as the names continue to be read off, each student read off grabbing their diplomas and shaking hands with the administrators. The atmosphere is full of excitement, anticipation, and energy.

Once my name is finally announced over the arena speakers, I proudly walk up the ramp and take the leather folder the superintendent holds out for me. I smile, shaking hands with each person as I make my way back to my seat. I stare at the certificate as it sits in my hands. My name printed across in fine letters, all the signatures, the name of my school—the whole image made me feel more confident than I had ever been. I grin to myself, sitting back down in the folding chair.

The audience goes up and down in volume as the names are read. When Taeyong and Taeil's are announced, I stand up, applauding them as loud as possible. Those sitting around me stare, but I truly don't care in that moment, for I'm so elated for myself and Taeyong and Taeil and everyone in the room. Finally, our lives are beginning. Finally, after years of dwelling and hurting, I can move on. I can restart.

After the ceremony, I find Jinhyuck outside the arena, holding a boquet of roses. He hands them to me before pulling me into a hug. The way he embraces me is different than any other hug we've shared. It tells me all he's thinking. _I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you._

"You look sleepy," Jinhyuck comments. I blink hard as I crack a smile.

"Gets pretty boring in there after a while." Jinhyuck laughs as I lean into his side, both of us walking towards the parking lot. We stop once my name is being called from towards the entrance of the building. Turning around, I see Taeyong running towards me, his cap in hand and mouth smiling wide.

When he reaches me, he wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me. Caught by surprise, I barely kiss back, but manage to place my hands on his shoulders. "Congrats, grad," he says after pulling away.

I grin as he pulls me closer for a hug. Giggling softly, I pet his hair, and he kisses my cheek.

"Can I see you tonight?" Taeyong asks quietly. I carress his cheeks as I look into his eyes. His lips curl up into a small smile as I nod.

"Yeah," I reply before softly giving his lips a peck. "I'll come see you."

Taeyong smiles fully, teeth showing, dimples showing. "I just want to spend as much time with you, before you, you know. Go to New York."

I purse my lips as I bring my hands back to my sides. Taeyong holds my hands before leaning in to kiss my cheek again. I don't even think about the eyes being drawn towards us, for I'm proud to be this close to Taeyong. I'm proud of loving him. I want to show him off to the world, much less the students at school.

"See you later, then." Taeyong smiles. I smile. He pushes me away from him playfully, and I roll my eyes. He doesn't move his gaze from me until I find Jinhyuck again. Once Taeyong is out of sight, my heart races, because I can't wait to see him. Again.

* * *

Seeing Taeyong now out of his cap and gown, I feel more comfortable. He's wearing a large sweatshirt and some basketball shorts. As casual and laid back as he looks, he's still Taeyong, so he succeeds to make my nerves go ballistic.

When his eyes find the gift bag I hold in my hands, his expression drops. "Sicheng, I thought we settled this. No grad gifts."

I wince as I step inside the house. Taeyong, closing the door behind me, lets out a sigh.

"Who said it was a graduation gift," I spit back. "Maybe I just wanted to be nice."

Taeyong rolls his eyes before attacking my face with light kisses. Letting out small squeals, I fight back at him by tickling his sides. He eventually gives in and shoves me away. I go back at him with a real kiss, wrapping my arm around him. He quickly pulls away before taking my hand and leading the way upstairs to his room.

I sit down on the bed as Taeyong shuts the door behind us. He picks up a few stray pieces of clothing, throwing them into the hamper near the closet. I pull out the card from inside the gift bag and handing the items to Taeyong once he sits next to me.

"You suck, by the way."

I slap his arm. He smiles as he begins to open the envelope. I watch with intent, observing every small expression he shows. First, he's a bit anxious, but in a good way. When he opens to the inside of the card, his face melts into a somber look. I read the words I have written on the paper as Taeyong inspects them.

 **_Taeyong —_ **  
**** _I know that this isn't much, but I think you would have killed me otherwise if I wrote something longer for you. Plus, it would be a waste anyway, since there aren't enough words to suffice for you._  
_I know we didn't start things off right. I know you were still confused, but I guess I was too, in a way. But you should know that doing something like that to you will be something I always live with and will always regret. Hurting you is the worst thing I could have done. And I'm sorry. I know you've moved on, you've forgiven me, but I want you to know how genuinely ashamed I am for ever doing you wrong like that._  
_With that being said, I want you to know that you can trust me. I know it may seem like that's not true, but it is. You should be able to rely on me, you shouldn't have to worry. Not when you have me. I promise, Tae, I'm going to be the best guy in the world for you. I've learned from my fuckups. And now I'm goong to be perfect. For you. Even if I'm kinda far away._  
_I know I'll be gone for a bit, but you know I'll still be there with you in spirit. If you need a hand, I'm a message or call away. I know it isn't the same as being here with you, but it's the best I can be. Far away._  
_I love you so much Taeyong. Thank you for making me a Happy Boy._  
_— Sicheng_  
_P.S. please don't forget about me._

On the bottom of the note is an attached photo of the two of us we took after our last day of exams. We're both smiling wide, my head is resting on Taeyong's shoulder. He has the same look on his face as I grab his hand.

"I'd have to get amnesia to forget about you," he says quietly. I smile small as he kisses my forehead, then my cheek, then finally my lips.

"Open the rest!" I say after quickly pulling away. Taeyong groans as he begins to pull the tissue paper out of the bag. Then he begins to pull out the canvas, which is occupied by a pop-art style painting of us. The picture from the card. Taeyong holds it to his chest as he looks at me.

"Jinhyuck's boyfriend is an artist. So, I made him paint that."

Taeyong laughs before placing it back into the bag. Then, he shoves me to where I'm laying on my back, and kisses me passionately. I place a hand on the back of his neck as I smile into the kiss. He pulls away, brushing my hair with his fingers.

"I love you," Taeyong says in a more serious and sincere tone. A certain voice that tells me he's not joking, he's not just saying it. He means it. I know he does as soon as his lips find mine again.

Taeyong's mouth smoothly takes ownership of my lips, tongue slipping past my teeth, making me jolt beneath his body. My hands slip down his back, gripping the bottom of his sweatshirt. I pull the clothing over his head as he lies down next to me.

I kiss his softly as I wrap my arm around his waist. My fingers caress the small of his back as he moves closer to me.

"Hey," he mumbles in the middle of the kiss. I pull away, looking at him with concern. His hand cups my cheek, thumb grazing over my skin. "My sister and her friends are going on a roadtrip this weekend. Before they have to move back into college."

I continue rubbing his back as he speaks.

"She said I could bring you. If you want to come."

I give Taeyong a small grin. He smiles too, nose scrunching up and eyes closing tight. "We can do more of this," he says before kissing me again.

"Yeah," I mutter as I pat his back playfully. "Let's go."

 


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

The motel room is dimly lit and somewhat cleaned. Towels hung up in the bathroom, bed made to the best it can look, items on the nightstand placed in the nicest form possible. Walking inside, I throw my backpack to the side and jump onto the large mattress. Taeyong does the same.

Letting out a sigh, Taeyong curls up next to me and rests his head on my chest. I pet his hair as he rubs my stomach.

"What should we do first?" Taeyong asks, looking up at me. I sit up further. Taeyong slithers his hand down my side and threads his fingers with mine. I squeeze on his hand.

"Hmm...well, how about we go on a date."

Taeyong chuckles. "What do you mean?"

"Well. We haven't really _done_ much together, you know? I wanna take you places and buy you things. We haven't done that at all. I know it's because—"

"I was closeted. I know."

I kiss the top of his head. He smiles before climbing onto my lap and petting my hair. My heart skips a beat as a smile forms upon his lips. "Come on. Let's go on a date."

* * *

"You little shit!" Taeyong screams as I run away from his wrath. The rainbow ice cream continues to drip down his face, seeping onto his lips. He wipes his face with his hand as he falls to the ground. I tackle him, spoon full of ice cream in my hands, ready to be smacked onto his face. Again.

He grips onto my wrists, forcefully keeping my hands away from his face.

"I thought you loved ice cream," I comment as I throw the spoon back into the cup, wiping Taeyong's rainbow-stained cheek.

"When it's in my mouth. _Not_ my face."

He lets out a deep breath as my thumb reaches his lips. The smile fades from his face as he sits up again. I get off his lap, kneeling next to him. He takes a napkin from his pocket, running it across his mouth.

Something's wrong.

"Hey," I say as I sit down completely again. "You okay?"

Taeyong licks his lips and clears his throat.

"Did you and Taeil like," he mutters. "Were you guys hooking up? _Are_ you hooking up?"

My heart drops into my stomach. My throat seems to dry up, and my lungs tighten in my chest. Even if it was history—mine and Taeil's fling—knowing Taeyong has been thinking about it, about _us_ , makes my heart shatter.

"I think he wanted to make me feel better. He wanted to fill the void."

Taeyong clenches his jaw. "Replace me."

I grab Taeyong's hand, gripping onto it tightly. He moves his gaze up to me, then back at the ground again. I move closer to him.

"That's not it. Yeah, him and I did stuff. But not because we like each other. _Liked_."

I cup Taeyong's face, fingers massaging the back of his head. He looks at me, nervous, scared, afraid. "You're irreplacable. And I never would love Taeil like that. He's too much like a brother to me. I just used him, to help me forget about you. But what you and I have? I can't feel that with anyone else. Not a single human."

A small grin forms on Taeyong's face, causing me to smile as well. The sight of him being happy and reassured is enough to make my heart go ballistic and my limbs go weak.

Taeyong's eyes scrunch up as I kiss the space between his eyebrows. I wrap my arms around his neck as my head rests on his shoulder. He pulls me close, kissing the side of my head. We stay like this, just hugging, being in each other's arms. I feel safe.

* * *

The night sky is clear, all the stars visible to the naked eye. Taeyong walks over next to me as I stare out the window. Cars zoom back and forth momentarily. The occasional pedestrian trots down the cracked sidewalk. Meanwhile, Taeyong's arm sneaks under my shirt and strokes the length of my spine. I arch my back as he begins tickling me.

"Stop it!" I squeal, shoving Taeyong in the chest. He breaks out into laughs as I throw him onto the bed. The giggles eventually fade, along with his smile. He just stares. His eyes, full of desire, scan the length of my torso. I crawl on top of him, laying him down.

My lips find his neck, kissing his skin slowly, making sure he feels every movement. I move up to his jaw as gently suck right below his ear. He groans quietly beneath me, moving his hand from my back down to my thigh.

"S-Sicheng," he barely whispers. I ignore him.

I pull his t-shirt over his head, and he does the same for me. A chill goes down my spine as our bare torsos touch. I can feel Taeyong's racing heart, and I'm sure he can feel mine.

My lips just barely graze over Taeyong's as I look into his eyes. His breathing is slow and short. I place a hand on his chest, caressing his fragile skin. I feel his heart beat. I place a tender kiss near his sternum, my hair brushing his chest. The pounding only becomes more intense as my lips touch the area. I rest my chin on his chest as I look up at Taeyong.

"You're nervous," I speak as I let my hand run down the length of his body. He swallows hard, running a hand through my hair.

Looking back up, I give Taeyong a reassuring kiss on his nose. He chuckles as he pulls my face close to his lips again. Kissing him slowly, I inhale in a deep breath, taking in the scent of Taeyong's prescence and the taste of him. His hands explore my body, moving from my face to my back to my shoulders to my legs. He starts to unbutton my jeans, and I don't stop him. I just keep kissing him. Making sure I mark my territory on every square millimeter of his being.

Soon enough, my pants are thrown to the side, and so are Taeyong's blue gym shorts. My arms wrap tight around Taeyong's shoulders.

My breathing becomes heavier as my hips sink further into Taeyong's, the feeling causing us both to let out a small groan. By what I can feel down by my hips, Taeyong likes it too. I run my hands through his hair, down his torso, past his hips. I kiss him everywhere I can—cheeks, forehead, neck. Black and blue marks start to show up along his skin. I brush my lips along the blemishes, eventually getting back to Taeyong's face. His eyes are relaxed, lips calm, expression serene. Moans occasionally escape from his throat the more I touch him. Every time he lets out a noise, I peck his cheeks softly.

"Sicheng," he murmurs. I place my hand back on his face, caressing his skin.

"Hm?" I brush away the strands of hair that have fallen over his forehead. He wraps his arms securely around my body, pulling me down to him completely. Our beating hearts right over each other. My head on his shoulder, lips on his neck. Him and I, sipped up in the same skin.

"Please don't go to New York."


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

My hand doesn't seem to let go of Taeyong's the entire evening. He shows me off to every family member he comes across, making sure he lets everyone in the house know that I'm his. I just smile the whole time, and he does the same.

It's around seven o'clock when we go into the kitchen to sing to Taeyong. His mother places candles on the cake. Eighteen of them. She takes a candle-lighter to each piece of wax, the warm lights illuminating the beauty of Taeyong's features. I don't take my eyes of of him. His skin glows even more once the lights go out.

Everyone in the room starts singing to him. All eyes on him. I'm the only one, however, who doesn't sing, for I just am frozen here, watching Taeyong. The smile on his face can't seem to fade. Resting my head on his shoulder, I hook my arm through his, gripping tightly onto his hand.

Once everyone finishes singing, Taeyong blows out the candles in one take. I squeeze his hand tight. He glances at me, leaning in for a kiss. I give him a soft peck, smiling as our lips touch. He pats my arm, and I chuckle.

Everyone takes their desired desserts, Taeyong and I simply sharing a slice of cake. I feed him small pieces. He makes sure I keep the frosting in his mouth—not his face. Every time I bring the fork to his lips, he gives me a certain look. I just give him back a death glare. Then, we both burst into laughter.

"Hey," Taeyong speaks to me when the last of his family members leaves out the front door. He grabs my hand. "Come on," he adds. So I follow him to his room.

My eyes roll to the back of my head as Taeyong goes to the corner of the room and picks up a gift bag. He begins to laugh and shoves the bag in my hands. "It's not much. Just fucking open it," he demands. So I do as he says.

Setting the bag on the desk along the window, I reach inside and grab the first thing my hand touches. It's soft, warm cloth, that of a sweatshirt. It has a simple design—nothing but the _Addidas_ logo on it. I look to Taeyong confused.

"I-it's mine. I just thought maybe you would want something of mine. It's dumb, I know," Taeyong rambles. I put an arm around his waist, cupping his face with my other hand. He stops talking.

"Hey. I love it. Thank you," I tell him. He smiles small. I lean in to kiss him, but he lifts his head away. He nods at the bag, gesturing for me to open the rest of what's inside. I pinch his cheek, causing him to shove me. I chuckle as he wraps his arms around me from behind.

I take out the next thing my hand grabs, which is all the seasons of _The Clone Wars_ on DVD. Taeyong rests his chin on my shoulder and tightens his arms on my waist.

"Good pick?" he asks, placing a kiss on my neck.

"Perfect pick. I mean, I have this already, but. It's from you, so. Thank you. I love it. I love you."

Taeyong frowns as he burries his head in my shoulder. I giggle, patting his head lightly as he fakes sobs. I reach back into the bag and pick up the last item, which is a teddy bear dressed up as a rebel pilot. The smile forming upon my face is too big to disguise in any way. Taeyong kisses on my neck softly as I hug the plushie.

"That's not it," Taeyong chimes in as he takes the bear. "Squeeze the hand."

I press onto the paw of the teddy bear.

_"You're worth melting for, Sicheng. I love you."_

I press again.

_"You can do it, Sicheng. Taeyong believes in you."_

Again.

_"You're one hell of a dancer. You can do anything."_

My heart melts inside of me as Taeyong presses the bear to my chest. I give it a tight squeeze before gently placing it on the desk. I grab Taeyong's hands, releasing my body from his arms. I turn around to face his nervous expression.

"I looked up Poe's quotes from Star Wars. There was stuff about him _flying anything_ and being _one hell of a pilot?_ So I just tried to do a play on words, I don't know if I—"

I kiss him to stop his rambling. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, he slowly starts kissing me back, embracing my body in his arms again.

"You ramble a lot."

He looks to the side away from my gaze. I move my head to meet his eyes, and a smirk forms on his face as he begins to tickle me beneath my shirt. I let out high-pitched squeals as my legs kick violently and my arms smack on his chest. The giggles escaping me are enough to make me lose my breath completely. Taeyong stops, leaving me panting uncontrollably. He watches me for a moment. He seems to observe every small detail of my being, for his eyes barely move each second along my body. He starts at my face. Looking in my eyes, then my lips, my eyes. Soon, I catch him watching my neck and my chest, heaving up and down. Then my stomach, then my legs.

I poke his side, and his eyes meet mine again.

"Hey," I say softly. He licks his lips.

"Hey."

Taeyong clenches his jaw. I grab his hands.

"What was your dad like?" Taeyong asks, squinting his eyes, shifting his body. I raise my eyebrows as I squeeze onto his hands.

"Well." I swallow hard. "He was the best person in the world. He worked for a wholesale company, taking calls, selling things. He worked really hard. I didn't see him as much as I wish I could."

He was so great. To everyone. Even those who would stare and call him names when Jinhyuck would hold his hand in public. You couldn't get on his bad side, because he never had one."

Taeyong lets go of my hand, moving up to my face, caressing my cheek and stroking the hair behind my ear.

"Do you look like him?" Taeyong asks.

"Jinhyuck always said I resembled my mother more. I have her eyes and smile, apparently," I explain. "But then again, he'd know. Since my mom is his best friend."

My eyes fall to the floor.

"Do you talk to her?"

"I wish I did. She was so kind to give my dad and Jinhyuck something as special as a _child._ They both wanted to be dads more than anything. But, I guess when my dad passed, the whole family shut down, in a way."

Taeyong pulls me to his chest. I bite my lip, letting my eyes wander the room. He rubs my back as we hug. I take in the feeling of his hand on my skin. It's a feeling so natural, I can't help but to let my eyelids slowly fall shut.

After a few long moments of being in Taeyong's arms, I lift my head up and attempt to pull away. However, Taeyong keeps his arms secure around me.

"No," he speaks softly. "Let me hold you. I need to hold you."

I let him hold me.


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

I wake up with Taeyong's arms tangled around me. Both of our hair's are messes, however, Taeyong's still looks cute. I gently caress his face as he continues to sleep, eyes shut peacefully, lips naturally curled up at the corners. I urge myself not to kiss him in this moment.

I get out of bed. My eyes adjust to the sun that gradually leaks further into the room through the curtains. My room is still a mess, papers and clothes laying all about the room. I walk over to the suitcase sitting in front of my closet. I unzip it, checking to make sure all the things I need are packed—dance attire, dance shoes, and other basic things. Everything seems to be in place. Taeyong's sweatshirt right on top.

I pull it out of the suitcase, pulling it over my bare torso. The soft cotton brings warmth to my body, the smell of Taeyong bringing me comfort. It's the perfect size for my body, fits like a glove.

When I turn around, Taeyong is still in bed. However, his eyes are squinting at my figure, messy hair falling over his forehead. I smile at the sight of him being awake.

"Hey Tae," I say softly as I walk over towards the bed. His muscles appear contoured in the golden morning light shining throughout the room, making my mouth water. He looks utterly sexy in a way. I run my hand over his head, pushing back his locks. He smiles small, grabbing my hand, kissing the back of it. Then, he pulls me back into bed with him, wrapping his arms tight around me.

"I'm not letting you out of my sight," Taeyong jokes. "Not until you get on that plane."

I look at his face. Although I know he's joking, he still looks heartbroken. I brush my thumb over his cheek as I bring my head closer to his. I don't kiss him—I just stay here, close with him, brushing my nose up on his. He holds my waist, hands under my sweatshirt, lightly tracing circles on my skin. I kiss him tenderly. His grasp around my body becomes tighter.

Holding me tight, Taeyong kisses me back, harder. I place my hand on his bare shoulder and caress the skin gently. Eventually, his hand is wrapped around my thigh, running up and down.

"Tae," I mumble. "Hey. Taeyong."

He pulls away from my face and looks at me with sorrow. "What's wrong?"

I trace his collarbone. "Nothing," I speak. "I'm gonna miss you."

He tucks a stray piece of hair hanging over my forehead back over my head. He kisses my neck as he pulls me into a hug. I absorb the feeling of his smooth skin beneath my fingers. I place soft kisses on his shoulder, giggling every time he gently sucks on my skin.

"Stop," I laugh. "Jinhyuck's gonna ask what the bruises are on my neck."

Taeyong doesn't stop. I just let him do what he wants—I let him have me for the remainder of our time together.

Wrapping his leg around mine, Taeyong removes his mouth from my neck, moving back to where my face is. He observes my face for a fleeting moment before placing another sloppy kiss to my lips. I softly pat his back, gesturing for him to stop. He pulls away.

"Sicheng, am I—"

"No. No, Taeyong, you're perfect. I love you, okay?"

He frowns subtly as he looks away from me. I put my hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly. "Taeyong."

His eyes meet mine again. Then, he breaks down into tears.

I don't say anything. I just hold him, letting him cry into my chest. Patting his back. Kissing his head. The sound of his sobs makes my heart ache, and brings tears to my own eyes. I hold him tighter. His tears soak up the sweatshirt— _his_ sweatshirt. He burries his head deeper into me as his sobs become less intense. I stroke his hair, softly, whispering reassuring things into his ear. _It's okay. I'm here. We're okay._

"Can you talk to me?" I ask him. Taeyong holds me tighter. I lie down on my back, Taeyong moving along with me, resting his head on my chest. He puts his hand on my stomach, scrunching up the fabric.

"I hate crying." He wipes his face with the back of his hand. I kiss his forehead, trying to get it through to him that it's okay. I want him to be vulnerable around me—I want him to trust me. I want to know all the things running about his head.

"Don't be afraid to cry, okay? Not with me." I wipe a tear from his eye. He rests his chin on my chest for a slight moment before curling up on me again. His arms wrap around my neck.

"You know, when I found you drunk that night. You looked so helpless, I was so afraid. I didn't know what you were gonna do," he explains slowly. My heart slows down as I reminisce in the events that had happened that day. "I just don't want that to happen when you're gone. Because I can't be there for you."

Taeyong lifts his head to look up at me. His eyes are red, twinkling from the tears. I let out a sigh as I sit up.

"I'll be okay. I swear. If I ever feel upset, I'll call you. I promise."

He holds up his hand with a solemn expression. I smirk, wrapping my pinky around his. He smiles small as I lean in to kiss him. Barely kissing back, his lips soft on mine.

* * *

Taeyong stays distant as Jinhyuck helps Taeil and I pack my suitcase and duffel bag into the trunk of the car. Once the final satchel is settled into the car, Jinhyuck shuts the trunk, letting out a deep breath.

"I guess that's it," I say with exhaustion. Taeil pats me on the back before pulling me into a hug. I smile as I wrap my arms around him. He holds me tight, head resting on my shoulder, hands roaming about my back.

"I love you," he breathes into my ear. I swallow hard.

"I love you more."

Taeil lets me go, ruffling a hand through my hair. We both smile. He has a certain look on his face. It's hard to decipher completely, but I know somewhere in it, there's hurt. My heart sinks even further into my chest as I watch him get back into his car. He waves before pulling out of the driveway, eventually strolling down the road, out of sight.

Jinhyuck wraps his arm around my shoulders aggressively. I rest my head on his shoulder, and he ends up embracing me into a hug. I hold him tight as he rocks me back and forth. He kisses the top of my head before letting me go. I turn around towards Taeyong before walking in his direction.

"I'll see you at Christmas," he says small. I chuckle with a smirk before enclosing my arms around his torso. He holds me securely, tightly. His lips touch my neck, and he softly places pecks in the area he rests his head. He runs his fingers through my hair as I rub his back. I try to let go of him, but he only holds on tighter.

"Not yet," he breathes. I relax in his arms. "I'm not ready yet."

Taeyong continues to hold me, occasionally lifting his head to look at me, then hugging me tight again. I wiggle from his arms after several minutes. He grabs my hands, looking deep in my eyes. His still appear red from the tears he shed earlier. I observe the melancholy look on his face as my heart slows its pace. An empty feeling spreads inside of my chest.

Softly, I press my lips against Taeyong's. His grip on my fingers becomes tighter. I soak in the feeling and taste of Taeyong's mouth. His light, yet still effective, kisses and how he'd touch me like I was so fragile.

"I have to go, Tae." My voice is quiet and unstable. "I gotta go."

He swallows hard before looking up at me. I breathe in a stifled breath as my hands fall to my sides, Taeyong letting go of my fingers. He walks closer to me as he kisses me again. I can tell by the way his lips enclose on mine and how his tongue tries to catch mine that he's marking his territory of my being. He's telling me that no one else can have me. I'm his, and his only.

"Keep me posted. Please." Taeyong whispers, keeping his lips close to mine. I nod before kissing him one last time. He holds on as long as he can, not letting me pull away. All it takes is for me to grasp his forearm for him to finally stop.

"I'll message you, okay?" I reassure him. He nods. "I love you."

"I love you too."

I kiss his cheek before I walk back towards the car. Jinhyuck hugs me one last time. I smile into his chest. "Good luck, kid. I love you."

I give him a small grin as he lets me out of his grasp. There's tears in his eyes, but he doesn't let them fall. He stays strong.

But he gets to sleep in the same bed, same house, same town. But I don't. I'll soon be waking up to the sound of the city hustling with energy and taxis blairng—not the sound of birds chirping and lawn mowers running.

I just hope I can stay strong, too.


	30. Chapter Thirty

I've learned over the past year to get accustomed to the feeling of city air. I had to get used to the feeling of buildings all around me and the scent of fresh coffee mixed with taxi gasoline. When my lungs weren't full of the aroma of town's perks, they'd usually be filled with the smell of sweat and nylon.

Get up at five. Get to the studio at six after breakfast and coffee. Practice until lunch, practice some more until dinner. Then sleep. That's how it went up until the upcoming spring much later, when the theater would finally put on the production of _Giselle._ Then, there was no time for breakfast or lunch or dinner or sleep. It felt as if all the students lived on the rehearsal stage.

With that, there was no time for myself. No time to call family, no time to call Taeyong.

Weekends were the best time for catching up with him. As hard as it was, not being able to really be there with him, it was better than nothing. Just getting to hear his daily "I love you" and "Goodnight" was enough to keep me going.

And, plus, every day I got through would be another day closer to seeing Taeyong again.

It didn't require for me to see him in person to know how his heart had began to break the longer we were away from each other. I knew it by the way he would type his text messages and the way he'd speak on the phone. But seeing him with my own eyes again only solidified the idea. His eyes were pressing, his smile wasn't as wide. But it only took so long for him to be his true self again.

The way Taeyong wrapped his arms around me is tighter than he's ever held me before. He held me like he'd lost me, and finally, I've been found.

"You grew," Taeyong commented as he let go of my body. "Your arms, your—"

"Yeah. That's what happens when you're dancing everyday." I chuckled as he gripped onto my upper arms. I flexed for him, and he giggled. There was a small moment of silence before he leaned in to kiss me. The corners of my lips curled up as he presses his lips to mine. My hands reached for his fingers. Holding his hands tightly, Taeyong smiled brightly as he looked at me in my eyes. I kissed him again, soft and light.

The few weeks I had to visit home went by faster than I had hoped for. All the while, stressing over the year I had ahead of me. Trying to wrap my head around going through another painful nine months, miles away from Taeyong, miles away from his touch. College was something he preferred not to talk about. That is, so I thought.

I walked downstairs into the living room where I found Taeyong sitting at the couch, hands in his hair, eyes staring at the ground. I quickly walked to where he sat and put my hand on his back. He lifted his head, and began chewing on his fingernails.

"What is it Tae?" I asked as he moved his gaze from the ground to the coffee table in front of us. I look down, only to see a neatly-sealed white envelope sitting on the surface of the table. I grab ahold of it. It was addressed to Taeyong, from New York University.

"I did this writing seminar last winter. At the community college up north. The teacher said I had something, like, to work with. He said I was 'gifted' when it came to writing. I applied to NYU, because, I just thought maybe I could be closer to you? You know, if I got in."

There was a silence in the room. Taeyong's hands trembled as he grabbed the paper from my grasp. He slowly began opening the envelope, only the sound of ripping paper filling the space between us. He slowly unfolded the paper after he pulled it from the envelope. His eyebrows furrowed, eyes wide as the scan across each line of words. I watched his face slowly break into tears. He dropped the paper as he covered his mouth with his hand. I nudged his side, and he met his gaze with mine.

"I got in," Taeyong stuttered. My eyes widened at his statement, and he let out a sigh of relief before chuckling. I hugged him tight, standing up from the sofa and picking him up in my arms. I felt him smile in the crook of my neck. Tears slowly spilled down my shoulder. I kissed Taeyong's cheek, then his forehead, then his lips. Wiping his damp cheeks with my thumbs, I bursted into a big smile.

"You're so amazing. I love you," I told him sincerely. He let out an exasperated breath before grinning. He hugged me again.

* * *

 

Love. Love is everywhere I breathe and everywhere I look. Love also sits beneath my fingertips, where I hold Taeyong's nimble fingers. They're soft, they feel how they always used to when he'd touch my face and my body. His eyes meet mine as I lace my fingers between his, squeezing tight. Taeyong smiles softly, his eyes sparkling as the fairy lights surrounding us glisten in the evening's glow. His glance moves to the front of the venue where Jinhyuck dances slowly with Sam in his arms, both of them smiling bright.

I lick my lips before speaking. "I can't wait to do this with you soon."

Taeyong grins, not hiding the joy my suggestion seems to bring him. His eyes meet mine, and his grip on my hand becomes tighter. I run my free hand up and down his forearm. Goosebumps rise upon the surface of his skin, but he doesn't acknowledge it. He just lets me touch him.

As time passes, I grow more tired, more weak. Taeyong seems to notice, for he continually rubs my back and forces me to take sips of water. I smile at him when he does these gestures, for it only makes me feel more safe. Being reminded that he cares.

We dance together as Jinhyuck and Samuel start milling about and talking to their family and friends. The feeling of being surrounded by people who I'm supposed to be friendly with, but I'm not even in their bloodline, is overwhelming to me. But Taeyong makes sure to keep that idea out of my head—not only with his words and actions, but simply his being. His wholesome eyes and slim body, perfect smile and full lips. I catch myself falling deeper in love with him every time my eyes match with his gaze.

Once the sun has set and the atmosphere becomes quiet, more people begin to file out and drive away in their cars. Taeyong and I are the last ones to leave. My eyelids grow more and more heavy as Taeyong drives me back to my house. He places a hand on my thigh. I hold his fingers.

"Sicheng," Taeyong mutters as he pulls over on the side of the road. My eyebrows rise as I sit up and face Taeyong.

"What is it?"

He chuckles as his eyes stare at his feet. I nudge him in the arm, and he looks up at me.

"Can we go somewhere?" Taeyong asks. "Like the park?"

I nod with a small smile. He grins back before getting back onto the road, keeping his fingers resting underneath mine.

Once we arrive to the familiar area, Taeyong grabs a jacket from the backseat and hops out of the car. I follow him as he walks towards the structures. My hand clings onto his.

We climb up to the same spot where Taeyong had first placed his lips on mine. Where I first was vulnerable with him. He leans against the metal bars, unfolding the jacket in his arms. He throws the cloth around my body, pulling the ends of the jacket so that I'm now touching his body. We both let out a giggle as our pounding chests make contact.

"You know," Taeyong speaks, "a hundred years from now, you could walk into a room and my heart would still lose its temper."

I chuckle as I let my forehead fall onto his chest. He places a light kiss on my head.

"I could say the same about you."

I pick up my head and my eyes meet Taeyong's. He smiles as I wrap my arms around his waist, hugging him tight. He runs his hands up and down my back, then through my hair. The action calms me to a point where I feel myself drifting off there in his arms. But when he starts placing kisses all over my face, I start to wake up again, for the slamming in my ribcage is too much to bear.

"I love you," Taeyong speaks before kissing me hard. I take in a deep breath as I slowly kiss him back, feeling his mouth on mine and his aroma in my lungs. His soft hands on my body as they feel beneath my dress-shirt. Fingers tracing each vertebrae of my spine, sending chills all over my body.

Taeyong's lips pull away from mine only slightly—I can still feel his breath on my tongue and his eylashes on my skin. I place my hands on his cheeks as I kiss him once more, quickly but still fully.

"I love you a lot more."

Taeyong shakes his head in disagreement, but ends up rubbing his nose against mine, causing us both to burst into giggles. My heart does a flip as the sound of Taeyong's laughter fills my ears.

* * *

I take in a deep breath as I walk up the front steps. I feel the sweat that coats my skin begin to dry as the air around me presses against my body. As I walk inside the dwelling, I run a hand through my hair and exhale deeply. My hands tremble as I untie my sneakers. Taeyong runs down the steps and makes his way to where I stand. My heart flutters when I look up at him, his face calm and hair messy. Still, he manages to give me a rush of adrenaline. 

"How was rehearsal?" he asks, helping me to take off my jacket. I walk into the kitchen while Taeyong hangs up the coat, eventually following behind me. I grab the kettle from the stove and pour myself a cup of tea. Taeyong stands next to me, expression concerned, as usual. He always cared too much.

"Tiring. But good," I answer before sipping from the warm mug. Taeyong smiles small as he leans against the counter.

"Must be tiring for mister Prince Charming." I chuckle and look down at our feet. Taeyong runs his fingers through my hair, tilting his head as he examines my exhausted expression. The cold metal of the ring on his finger sends a chill down my spine. 

I set the cup down on the counter before wrapping my arms around Taeyong's waist. I rest my chin on his shoulder as I hug him loosely. My hands lightly caress his bare torso, his lips softly press onto my neck. I slowly close my eyes as Taeyong rubs my back.

"How was your day?" I ask quietly, keeping my head on his shoulder. "Did you finish that short for the anthology?" 

Taeyong lets go of me and starts rubbing my arm. "Yeah I did. Sent it in a few hours ago."

I grin. My hand reaches for his fingers, the touch of my skin against his sending a rush to my heart. Taeyong's eyes drop down to our intertwined fingers, then up at my gaze. I give him a sincere smile, and then, his warm lips press to mine. I squeeze his hand, slowly close my eyes, and lean into his body. Taeyong pulls away slowly, lips still lingering close to mine. I open my eyes to see Taeyong's gaze piercing into mine. I giggle. He kisses me again before picking me up bridal-style and carrying me up the stairs.

Taeyong wants to settle me into bed, so I let him. He washes me, changes me into cozy pajama pants, brushes my hair, massages a knot in my neck muscle. He reads me parts of the novel he's currently worked on. I listen to the words as they leave his lips, but more-so, I focus on the raspiness in Taeyong's voice and the soft breaths he takes between sentences. 

I curl up next to Taeyong. My arm's hanging over his body, head nuzzled in his chest. My lips touch his collarbone, and I kiss the area every few minutes. 

"Tae," I breathe against his neck. He stops reading and looks down at me. I lift my head up and rest my chin on his chest. He pets my head as I look at his perfect face. I grab the hand that's not running through my hair and hold it tight. 

Taeyong kisses my knuckles. I kiss the area where his heart beats. 


End file.
